Hi Katie...this is zoey

hi aunt katie you are cool and i miss yoooooooooooooou.

Sunday

Hi Katie. It's sunday. i go home tomorrow. i'm very sad already and trying really hard not to be. you know? i love being in florida. i just hate being so far away from kelsey and the kids. i'm feeling very sad about you today too. i feel like i haven't had much time to just sit. the time i get to spend here is so short. this is picture was taken today down at the lagoon. zoey actually took it. it's right up by that place where the bands play and people dance. barb and kiki dedicated it to you. its beautiful here today. we went out there and then to the store. a day in beloit without walmart is like a day without sunshine i guess. ugh!!!! i am NOT a fan of walmart. haha. its so weird, sometimes i think of calling you. like...let's call katie and have her come over. i guess that's the denial, eh? i want to show zoey how to do this so she can come and talk to you, but her attention span is sort of like a gnat's and i'm not sure she'll get it yet. ha...if you were here, i know you'd want me to show her so i will. she has to go back to satero's tonight. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... i'm going to tell him no, but ultimately its his say. ok...well...i guess i'll go for now. maybe zoey and i will come back later. wait...she's here. maybe i'll show her now. i love you, katie.

Saturday in Wisconsin

Hi Baby Girl. how are you today? we are ok. we are having a family day. :-) we have made it through the anniversary...together. who would have ever thought, katie, that we would have our family to lean on and get comfort from? you have brought us all together, katie. it is so ironic. you have been our wake up call. in my whole life...all FIFTY years...i have taken for granted the love of friends and family. it was never enough. i needed more. when you left us...kelsey and talked. we both vowed to act in a way that made you proud. that paid tribute to you and would show you how we felt about you. i think that we are doing that. we do not take each other for granted anymore. we pay attention to what's important and know how precious we all are to each other. the thing is...we all regret that it took this tragedy to wake us all up. we wish we could have shared this WITH you. and for that...sweet baby, we're sorry. i'm sorry. you are so important to us. look how you have impacted this world. i have a picture to show you. all of these people gathered to remember you on "the day". we all miss you and wish you were here. i gave as many people as i could the address to your place. hopefully they will come here and get some comfort. i know i do. today we're going to go down to the river and see your brick. barb and kiki got a brick with your name on it. i'm going to take some flowers there. a lot of people took flowers and butterflies by the tree on thursday and that man took them all away. i've kind of given up on the tree. :-( he's a mean, hateful man and i don't know. i'm just over him, i guess. we are going shopping today to get zoey some new jeans and maybe a little something for kayden. i'll write more later. i love you, sweets. momma. xoxoxoox

One Year

Hi Katie Girl. Well...i'm home. we are all here. it was one year ago today. michael, mandy, drew, noah, isaah, dad, kelsey, aaron, zoey, kayden, me. we have been a whole year without you and our lives will never be the same. kelsey and i are taking flowers to your tree today. we are spending time together tonight. getting strength and comfort from each other. the ironic thing is we were all never this close before. you have brought us together. i know you would have liked that. my sisters are sending their love. they miss you too. tonight...there is a tribute to you at jersey's. kelsey and i are going. your friends from applesbee's are coming. they will be drinking a toast to you. i will take some pictures and put them on here for you. know, where ever you are...you are so loved. i hope you can feel all of the love that is being sent to you. when you left us...you left a katie shaped hole in our universe. i will probably write more to you later, but i wanted to say hello. i miss you. i love you. momma

One Day Left Til I Go Home!

Hi Sweetie. It's tuesday. back to work this morning. then...tomorrow...i go home. i get to see kelsey, zoey and kayden. i can't wait. kelsey called last night and said michael, mandy and the kids are coming too. they are coming to be with your dad on the anniversary of your death. that's a good thing for him. i was sort of hoping for it to be just us. i don't want to have to be social. i just want to be what i am. i have other issues too, but i'm not ready to write about them just yet. i'm so excited to go home. i can't wait. i miss kelsey and the kids when i don't get to see them. i've gone home every month since you died. last month was the first month i haven't gone. it's beautiful here today. i have to get ready for work. ugh. i've had three days off. i swear i could totally be good at being a stay at home person. i'm not one of those people that has to work to feel worthwhile. haha. anyway...i gotta run. just wanted to say hi. this pic is of zoey...close up and personal. isn't she beautiful??? kayden got his first tooth yesterday. i'll take a picture of it for you when i'm up there. i love you katie. talk soon. mom (katherine katie fernihough)

Memorial Day

Hi Katie. Here is a picture of your sign. when you died, applebee's put on their sign, "We love you Crazy Katie. We will never forget u." they have a plaque in the restaurant with your name and picture on it. you are so loved, katie. I miss you so much today. I dreamt about you last night. It was the strangest dream. You were gone, but we were having like...some sort of family reunion. Grandpa Homer was there. and there were pictures of you on this collage thing. and i took all of them down and put them in my pocket. and i was crying. i was so sad. i wanted to tell you a little bit about your funeral. i'm not sure, i'll have to ask kelsey, but there were i think, about 600 people altogether that came that day. we closed your casket. we let kelsey make that call. i got to see you though. girl, i swear, i wanted to get in there and lie down next to you and just put my arms around you. but it wasn't really you. the only think that really felt like you was your beautiful soft hair. i love you. i miss you. kelsey and i went and picked out an outfit for you. we bought everything new. we bought you a black t-shirt and a hoodie with some cartoon print that you like. we bought you sexy boy short panties, socks and jeans. we bought a wrist band for you to wear. you looked good. the music was awesome. we had "in the arms of the angels" by sarah mclaughlin, "wild horses" by the cranberries and "everything's not lost" by coldplay. we told the minister not to be all churchy. she talked about your spirit and your love of art and life and people and she said that was god if you believe in god. it was an awesome tribute my love. today i feel all weepy. i have been thinking of your last days. and how we didn't know. we didn't know we were so close to the end of our time with you. i thought i would have more time. if i would have known, i would have come. my heart is pounding. i have a lump in my throat. in the picture below, see the necklaces kelsey and i have on? they are pendants with some of your ashes in them. kelsey has the symbol for infinity and mine is the symbol for strength. we will get one for zoey when she graduates from high school. in the meantime, kelsey and i both have small urns with your ashes. zoey picks them up and carries them around with her. i have mine set up in my room with your lamp, one of the pictures that you drew (and its framed), the angel of rememberance and a picture of you and kelsey when you were babies in a little heart shaped frame. i call it my katie shrine. i look at it every morning and night. sometimes i pick up your ashes and shake them. :-) my heart aches for you today. i'm going home the day after tomorrow. i will put flowers at the tree and stay there for awhile. i feel closer to you there. i will sit in the spot where you last laid and feel you. we all miss you so much. i would give anything to hear your voice again. to smell your hair. to look at your hands. i always loved your hands. bet you didn't know that, did you? you were very much like me, kate. and you also had my demons. well...its time to try and get on with my day. kelsey and aaron and the kids are going to a cook out at your dad's house. that will be good for all of them. let us feel you, Kate. we still need you in our lives. you were so much more than you ever knew. love, mom.

Saturday!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Katie girl. Here's a pic of Kelsey and Zoey for you. It's Saturday morning. i just woke up. it's memorial day weekend. yay! three days off work. it's been raining here for a full week. it doesn't usually do that unless we have a hurricane. we needed the rain, but enough already! i don't have to go back to work until tuesday. then i work that one day and the next day i fly to wisconsin to see kelsey, zoey and kayden. i am going for the anniversary of your death. we (kelsey, dad and me) are going to spend the evening together. i want to look at pictures of you and remember you. not that we don't remember you every day, but i mean actually schedule the time to do so. you know? i mean...every day you are in our thoughts. you're actually my first cohesive thought of the day...every day. but i don't get the pictures out and stuff. the last time i was in wisconsin, your dad let me go into your room and pick out some stuff of yours to keep. he's keeping your room just as it was. black walls with red flames. lol. he's fixing the holes in the wall though. ~smirk~ i took your red beaded lamp, your marilyn monroe poster, a picture that you drew, the poem you wrote, "airport bars", and your shell necklace that you bought when you were in california visiting tom. i wear the necklace sometimes. i want to go back and look through the rest of the stuff, but we had kayden with us and it was cold and stuff so we didn't stay very long. your dad is living there again and fixing the place up. frankly, you and kelsey trashed the place. you two were a couple of wild ones. (i have NO idea where you got it) hehe we miss you, Kate. kelsey and i were talking about you the other night. she is doing so good, katie. its like she has a real family with aaron, kayden and zoey. her apartment is really cute. she's not partying. she gets up early every day and takes care of kayden. and when i call her, aaron is doing homework with zoey and she's cooking dinner and kayden is playing in his office. my heart just fills up. i hear laughing and talking in the background. and she sounds happy. and here's the bummer. why couldn't we have that with you here?????? you would have loved it. my sisters are involved with her and the kids. it's like....a family. none of us have ever really had that. i was talking to judy the other night...and i never thought i'd hear these words come from my mouth, but it's like...my strength comes from the relationships i have with my family. you are still a part of it. i just wish we could have gotten you an apartment too. and seen you spread your pretty butterfly wings and fly. stay with us kate. we do not ever want you to think that you are not a part of it. ugh. i don't know...sometimes...i just ache to have you here. i'm going to go out for a walk this morning and i hope i see a butterfly or a dragonfly. you can come to me anytime. anytime. i miss you, sweetie. love, your momma. Katherine katie Fernihough