thinking a lot about katie today. i dreamt about her last night. i always dream of her when she was little. so strange. i'm depressed and feeling a little invaded. feeling like maybe this blog could be used for bad and not for good. that was never my intent, but i guess it can be a little like that say...the road to hell was paved with good intentions. ~smirk~ i miss katie AND i miss me. SO upset about this weight gain. geeeez. i've hated going running. hated it. i used to love it, but now, when i get a little ways away from the house, i start feeling anxious, like i have to hurry up and get back there. like...i might come home and find the terrible awful message that my daughter died. i feel angry. i suppose my shrinky dink would say that this is the "anger phase" of grief. i'm sick of being labeled. i'm sick of it being not incredible. not extraordinary. it IS extraordinary and not in a good way. i don't know this place. i don't know grief when your kid dies. i feel like i'm punishing myself. i live in this small space between sadness and acceptance. pergatory. it's not ok to feel sad because then i'm being weak and not going on with my life. everyone's sick of it. (that's what my head tells me) and then...acceptance....moving on....that's wrong too. it means i didn't love her enough. oh i know...i know from my shrinkage...that that's not true...these are all "normal" feelings. "normal" thoughts. they do NOT feel "normal" to me. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. anyway...i have to get to work. need to make a living here. and some other time, when i'm not so pissed...i'll take the time to notice what a great life (all in all) that i truly have. ~sighs~. let's all just love each other and be good to each other. you just never fucking know. i love you katie. momma.

Independence Day

Hi Katie. i haven't been here for a while. Kris was here, we went to disney for the weekend, then she left and i've been bluuuue. Kelsey has been having her share of ups and downs. she got her driver's license and a job and her and aaron i guess i'm a little pissed. i go to my grief support group for the first time this tuesday. unlike when i thought about going in the past, i'm actually looking forward to it. i'm really angry i think. it comes out as numbness. i am just not the same person. and on top of it, i can't feel you. i don't feel connected. i really DO try not to complain too much, but geeeez...i miss the old me. do you know what? i've gained 30 pounds! i never work out. is this your fault? is this kelsey's fault? no. its on me. but everything that's happened has made it really difficult to go forward. i really want to talk to others that have gone through having one of their babies die. not when they were a baby though. oh no. when they were 22 years old. and their kid resented them and left before any of it could be fixed. i believe you are still around. and i would really appreciate it if you could send some strength to kelsey and aaron. help them feel the right thing and then DO it. ok...enough of this. i felt like i should come here because i don't want to stop blogging. i know i'll work through this and i won't feel this way forever. i won't. happy 4th baby. i love you. momma