OMG....The First Grief Support Group Meeting

Hi Katie. i thought this picture was funny. i went to my first grief support group last night. aye yi yi. it was very disjointed and not many people (according to them, it's usually a much larger group). the "topic" was "blessings that your child gave you." UGH! and guess what? just as i had feared, their children were saints. they had contributed so much, blah blah blah. i listened for as long as i could and then i asked if i could talk. i was like....look...my kid wasn't head of the student council, doing philanthropy, cheerleading, or any of that crap. she was doing drugs and drinking and was killed basically through some poor decisions made while under the influence. and here's what they said...."OHHHH...we're not judging you!!!" huh???? how could they be judging me when they didn't even know???? SHIT! i went there hoping someone could understand...and granted it was the first meeting and i'm gonna give it several more tries. but here's my issue. we had so many things unresolved. i'm not sure i feel judged. at all....even by me. but what i feel is like when katie died, she took with her any hope of us ever being able to have a relationship. i had always hoped for the day that she would be really here. not drunk and angry and in trouble and making bad choices that were hurtful to her. does anyone really get how much that hurts???????????? to see one of the people (and actually...it was both of them...katie AND kelsey) that you love the most in this whole world and feel that its your job to protect them...making choices that could potentially destroy them? i mean...as a mom....i was their protector. their guide. their MOM. ~sighs~ i go see judy tonight. and i need to ask her about all of this. i'm grieving katie...but i'm also grieving her future. it was taken. i guess....without even knowing it....i was living for the day that i could have my babies back. no one may have known...but i was working so hard for that. it was the focus of my counseling sessions. i was such a doofus as a mom when they were growing up. i was so....unsure. didn't know what the hell i was doing. i was so scared. and finally...i found a counselor that was actually giving me some instructions....telling me how to be a mom....and i was doing it. and no matter what they were doing, i was still being a mom. in the past i would get scared and frustrated and run away. judy was (and is) helping me to do that....but now...i'll never have that chance with katie. oh for god's sake. if anyone reads this...please please please don't feel sorry for me. this is my sounding board and i am not so miserable. i'm miserable about katie and some of the mistakes that i've made in my life. but i have my beautiful daughter kelsey. and her children who are the most delicious little babies in the whole world (besides my babies of course! ha!) and i have the most wonderful loving support from my sisters and friends. and a really groovy job that i love. (even in this shit recession). and i have a boyfriend that i've been with for a long time that we've grown into this, i don't know, understanding of each other. does he love this stuff? nope. is he very much support? nope. he doesn't know how. but...he loves me and he's hanging in there. i'm pretty healthy except this goddamned weight thing. my life pretty much ROCKS. and then there's this katie thing. and it hurts. and it confuses me. and i'm lost in this area of my life. but...all in all...things are good. and i have so much love in my heart...it's crazy. so...(and kell...this is mostly for you if you're reading)...i know you hurt for me and for yourself about this. but please don't worry and feel sad for me. it's all good. it's part of my life now. and i'm muddling through it and sounding off here. that's all. and you know what else? it changes...sometimes...i feel like i'm being swallowed by it. but then there are other times...that i'm ok. and just like when it first happened...i'm re-committing. i will be a good mom to katie still. i will try and walk through this with some dignity and handle it in a way that my sweet babies will be proud of. for katie. ya know? anyway...this is starting to sound sappy...so i'm goin' to work. i love you katie and kelsey and kris and kelli and linda, tammy, bre, judy, jenny, diane, zoey, kaydo-kayden, and all of the other people that have cared through all of this. there've been many. love you kate. momma

Look at you! oh my god...what a beautiful girl. i love you. i miss you. shit. aunt kristi comes today and frankly...i'm so glad. this really isn't getting much better. so anyway...we went and saw blue man group last night. it was amazing. it was so...i dunno sweet and innocent (and funny and pretty). i'm so excited to go to disney with kris next weekend. we're getting a hotel and staying out there so we can go two days. woo hoo! i'd love to go

to universal too. i can't help remembering when you kelsey, zoey and i went. omg...i was so ready to shoot you and kelsey. you both had gone out drinking and had been fighting. we postponed it a day so that you'd feel better. you two fought off and on all day. and sotero had shaved zoey's head. argh! people kept looking at her like they thought she had cancer. ~shaking head~ i'm looking at this pic of you. my sweet, innocent baby. ohhh katie....what will i ever do without you???? so beautiful it makes my heart hurt. well...better get back to work. love you sweetness. momma

Sunday

Hi Katie. It's sunday. i go home tomorrow. i'm very sad already and trying really hard not to be. you know? i love being in florida. i just hate being so far away from kelsey and the kids. i'm feeling very sad about you today too. i feel like i haven't had much time to just sit. the time i get to spend here is so short. this is picture was taken today down at the lagoon. zoey actually took it. it's right up by that place where the bands play and people dance. barb and kiki dedicated it to you. its beautiful here today. we went out there and then to the store. a day in beloit without walmart is like a day without sunshine i guess. ugh!!!! i am NOT a fan of walmart. haha. its so weird, sometimes i think of calling you. like...let's call katie and have her come over. i guess that's the denial, eh? i want to show zoey how to do this so she can come and talk to you, but her attention span is sort of like a gnat's and i'm not sure she'll get it yet. ha...if you were here, i know you'd want me to show her so i will. she has to go back to satero's tonight. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... i'm going to tell him no, but ultimately its his say. ok...well...i guess i'll go for now. maybe zoey and i will come back later. wait...she's here. maybe i'll show her now. i love you, katie.

Saturday in Wisconsin

Hi Baby Girl. how are you today? we are ok. we are having a family day. :-) we have made it through the anniversary...together. who would have ever thought, katie, that we would have our family to lean on and get comfort from? you have brought us all together, katie. it is so ironic. you have been our wake up call. in my whole life...all FIFTY years...i have taken for granted the love of friends and family. it was never enough. i needed more. when you left us...kelsey and talked. we both vowed to act in a way that made you proud. that paid tribute to you and would show you how we felt about you. i think that we are doing that. we do not take each other for granted anymore. we pay attention to what's important and know how precious we all are to each other. the thing is...we all regret that it took this tragedy to wake us all up. we wish we could have shared this WITH you. and for that...sweet baby, we're sorry. i'm sorry. you are so important to us. look how you have impacted this world. i have a picture to show you. all of these people gathered to remember you on "the day". we all miss you and wish you were here. i gave as many people as i could the address to your place. hopefully they will come here and get some comfort. i know i do. today we're going to go down to the river and see your brick. barb and kiki got a brick with your name on it. i'm going to take some flowers there. a lot of people took flowers and butterflies by the tree on thursday and that man took them all away. i've kind of given up on the tree. :-( he's a mean, hateful man and i don't know. i'm just over him, i guess. we are going shopping today to get zoey some new jeans and maybe a little something for kayden. i'll write more later. i love you, sweets. momma. xoxoxoox

One Year

Hi Katie Girl. Well...i'm home. we are all here. it was one year ago today. michael, mandy, drew, noah, isaah, dad, kelsey, aaron, zoey, kayden, me. we have been a whole year without you and our lives will never be the same. kelsey and i are taking flowers to your tree today. we are spending time together tonight. getting strength and comfort from each other. the ironic thing is we were all never this close before. you have brought us together. i know you would have liked that. my sisters are sending their love. they miss you too. tonight...there is a tribute to you at jersey's. kelsey and i are going. your friends from applesbee's are coming. they will be drinking a toast to you. i will take some pictures and put them on here for you. know, where ever you are...you are so loved. i hope you can feel all of the love that is being sent to you. when you left us...you left a katie shaped hole in our universe. i will probably write more to you later, but i wanted to say hello. i miss you. i love you. momma

Memorial Day

Hi Katie. Here is a picture of your sign. when you died, applebee's put on their sign, "We love you Crazy Katie. We will never forget u." they have a plaque in the restaurant with your name and picture on it. you are so loved, katie. I miss you so much today. I dreamt about you last night. It was the strangest dream. You were gone, but we were having like...some sort of family reunion. Grandpa Homer was there. and there were pictures of you on this collage thing. and i took all of them down and put them in my pocket. and i was crying. i was so sad. i wanted to tell you a little bit about your funeral. i'm not sure, i'll have to ask kelsey, but there were i think, about 600 people altogether that came that day. we closed your casket. we let kelsey make that call. i got to see you though. girl, i swear, i wanted to get in there and lie down next to you and just put my arms around you. but it wasn't really you. the only think that really felt like you was your beautiful soft hair. i love you. i miss you. kelsey and i went and picked out an outfit for you. we bought everything new. we bought you a black t-shirt and a hoodie with some cartoon print that you like. we bought you sexy boy short panties, socks and jeans. we bought a wrist band for you to wear. you looked good. the music was awesome. we had "in the arms of the angels" by sarah mclaughlin, "wild horses" by the cranberries and "everything's not lost" by coldplay. we told the minister not to be all churchy. she talked about your spirit and your love of art and life and people and she said that was god if you believe in god. it was an awesome tribute my love. today i feel all weepy. i have been thinking of your last days. and how we didn't know. we didn't know we were so close to the end of our time with you. i thought i would have more time. if i would have known, i would have come. my heart is pounding. i have a lump in my throat. in the picture below, see the necklaces kelsey and i have on? they are pendants with some of your ashes in them. kelsey has the symbol for infinity and mine is the symbol for strength. we will get one for zoey when she graduates from high school. in the meantime, kelsey and i both have small urns with your ashes. zoey picks them up and carries them around with her. i have mine set up in my room with your lamp, one of the pictures that you drew (and its framed), the angel of rememberance and a picture of you and kelsey when you were babies in a little heart shaped frame. i call it my katie shrine. i look at it every morning and night. sometimes i pick up your ashes and shake them. :-) my heart aches for you today. i'm going home the day after tomorrow. i will put flowers at the tree and stay there for awhile. i feel closer to you there. i will sit in the spot where you last laid and feel you. we all miss you so much. i would give anything to hear your voice again. to smell your hair. to look at your hands. i always loved your hands. bet you didn't know that, did you? you were very much like me, kate. and you also had my demons. well...its time to try and get on with my day. kelsey and aaron and the kids are going to a cook out at your dad's house. that will be good for all of them. let us feel you, Kate. we still need you in our lives. you were so much more than you ever knew. love, mom.

Saturday!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Katie girl. Here's a pic of Kelsey and Zoey for you. It's Saturday morning. i just woke up. it's memorial day weekend. yay! three days off work. it's been raining here for a full week. it doesn't usually do that unless we have a hurricane. we needed the rain, but enough already! i don't have to go back to work until tuesday. then i work that one day and the next day i fly to wisconsin to see kelsey, zoey and kayden. i am going for the anniversary of your death. we (kelsey, dad and me) are going to spend the evening together. i want to look at pictures of you and remember you. not that we don't remember you every day, but i mean actually schedule the time to do so. you know? i mean...every day you are in our thoughts. you're actually my first cohesive thought of the day...every day. but i don't get the pictures out and stuff. the last time i was in wisconsin, your dad let me go into your room and pick out some stuff of yours to keep. he's keeping your room just as it was. black walls with red flames. lol. he's fixing the holes in the wall though. ~smirk~ i took your red beaded lamp, your marilyn monroe poster, a picture that you drew, the poem you wrote, "airport bars", and your shell necklace that you bought when you were in california visiting tom. i wear the necklace sometimes. i want to go back and look through the rest of the stuff, but we had kayden with us and it was cold and stuff so we didn't stay very long. your dad is living there again and fixing the place up. frankly, you and kelsey trashed the place. you two were a couple of wild ones. (i have NO idea where you got it) hehe we miss you, Kate. kelsey and i were talking about you the other night. she is doing so good, katie. its like she has a real family with aaron, kayden and zoey. her apartment is really cute. she's not partying. she gets up early every day and takes care of kayden. and when i call her, aaron is doing homework with zoey and she's cooking dinner and kayden is playing in his office. my heart just fills up. i hear laughing and talking in the background. and she sounds happy. and here's the bummer. why couldn't we have that with you here?????? you would have loved it. my sisters are involved with her and the kids. it's like....a family. none of us have ever really had that. i was talking to judy the other night...and i never thought i'd hear these words come from my mouth, but it's like...my strength comes from the relationships i have with my family. you are still a part of it. i just wish we could have gotten you an apartment too. and seen you spread your pretty butterfly wings and fly. stay with us kate. we do not ever want you to think that you are not a part of it. ugh. i don't know...sometimes...i just ache to have you here. i'm going to go out for a walk this morning and i hope i see a butterfly or a dragonfly. you can come to me anytime. anytime. i miss you, sweetie. love, your momma. Katherine katie Fernihough