Katie Katie Katie................

Hi Katie. ugh...i miss you so much today! i'm at work, but decided to take a minute to talk with you. so this is my lunch. :-) i don't have a lot of pics on my puter here at work, so i just found one on the internet. i thought you might like it. i must have dreamt about you last night. i don't remember it, but i've had that feeling all day. like...i expect a call from you. i tried calling your cell phone numbers yesterday. some guy answered and i said i must have the wrong number. he goes, "are you sure??? who are you looking for?" i said i was trying to find katie. that was very weird. the number you had when you had the accident is not a "working number". i wonder if we will get those things back after the sentencing hearing. i would like to. your purse was in the car. i wonder what was in it. i would like something you had with you. i kept some particals of glass from the accident scene. i looked all over for something of yours. oh geeez...i always feel like i sound so mormid talking to you. i guess i use this to vent to you, katie. i want want want want WANT you to come back. i hate this feeling. it always feels like i should be able to call you. and then....i have the realization...that you are gone and you're never coming back. i don't believe in heaven. not like...someday i'll die and i'll get to see you again. and some day we'll all be together, the same "people" that we are now. i believe that you've gone on. that everyone does. that our souls are recycled. maybe even scattered. maybe a piece of your beautiful soul went to kayden. maybe another to mandy's baby that is on the way. maybe to people we don't know. maybe to another universe. of course, i don't know. but i know my earthly self will never hold your earthly self again. i always picture your hands. i love your hands. and i can still smell your hair and feel your skin. and it just kills me that you will never write another poem. experience anything else here again. at least not as katie fernihough. omg...news flash! kelsey is going to get...........................are you ready???? she's going to get her.........DRIVER'S LICENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol. omg! since your accident, kelsey has been working towards getting her life together. you would not believe how far she has come. her life is so different. she's been going to counseling and staying clean. so she paid her fines with her income tax return and went to her final appointment with the people that decide whether you can have your license back or not. they signed the papers and she has like...just a little left to pay and after that, she can take her driver's test. she's so excited! lol. cool, huh? well anyway, sweetie, my lunch is over so i should get back to work. i love you. i miss you. and i think about you every single day. love you, baby. talk soon. momma

The Last Time I Heard From You

Hi Katie. Well...I'm already at work, but until I talk to you, I won't be able to have my head in the game. Today, May 20, 2009, it was one year ago that was the last time I ever heard from you. You texted me to let me know how many days you could take off work to come see me. You told me not to call because you were at work, but you could take 10 days. And the best part of the message, was, you go..."Hi, its KATIE. (all caps) my KATIE. ~smiling~ That was you, Kate...all caps. One of the gazillion things we love about you. I still have that text on my phone. I've saved it to the sim card, but I don't want to change phones because, somehow, it feels like...I don't know....like your life energy came through that phone and its the last touch i have of you. this morning on the way to work, i came up on a car accident. one car was smoking and no one had stopped yet, so i pulled up to see if they needed help. there was a young girl sitting smushed in a car and a big red truck that didn't even look hurt. her airbags had gone off. i walked up to the car and peeked inside, cuz i was scared of what i might see. she looked at me. she was just a very young girl. i went over to her side of the car and pulled her door open. it was all smashed in. she was bleeding on her face but she was awake. i asked her if she could move and she was just shivering. i was able to get her out of the car and took her over to the curb. i called 911 and squatted down beside her. i just hugged her. so weird. she was 21. she asked me to call her mom and when she gave me her phone, her mom's number was momma. :-) just like you and kelsey call me. i waited with her until the ambulance came and when i left, i kissed the top of her head. i could just sob right now, but i'm at work. no one seems to really know what to say to me. i don't blame them, but i'm so sad. it seems like no one cares, but i KNOW that that isn't true. it's just that they don't know what to say. it's uncomfortable and i want to talk about it. i want them to hear me. i miss you SO much. i want you to come back. everyday isn't like this. i think it has something to do with it being almost a year. god. i love you, kate. wish you were here. love, momma.