Katie Katie Katiedid

Hey baby girl.  Guess what song's playing?  Everything's Not Lost, Coldplay.  We had that played at your funeral.  Where are you?  Why aren't you here?  Not to be melancholy, but I miss you like crazy.  I always think to call you and then realize I can't.  I dial your number sometimes.  I called one of them once and some guy answered.  I was like, I've got the wrong number.  and he goes, "are you sure?"  I was like...yeah...I'm sure.  anyway...just when i said i was gonna write because i didn't wanna keep any secrets, something happened that i was afraid to write.  you won't believe it.  Kelsey's pregnant.  and she's going to keep it.  zoey and kayden are in foster care.  i just don't understand.  i mean...i do.  she doesn't want to have an abortion, but i just don't know how she can manage.  aaron called me last night and said she's been drinking.  she doesn't tell me now i guess.  i have to tell ol' what's her name, april.  cuz if i don't, they think i'm a bad grandma and keep secrets from them.  i'm so over them though, i just want zoey and kayden to be ok.  kelsey has to take care of her own demons.  ya know, kate...i am so tired.  i am so tired of not knowing what to do.  do you know that's why i ran away so much?  i just didn't know what to do.  that was so wrong.  i'm not going to do it again.  but DAMN!  i'm sick of it.  so...on to the good stuff.  we had a nice, peaceful christmas.  kam is home for 2 weeks and i have to work, but that's ok.  i like my job.  i started exercising again and let me tell ya...i'm old!  lol  it hurts!  the other thing i didn't tell you is.......ok......wait for it.......i finally had my boobs done...AND liposuction.  i know...kind of extreme....but i wanted it!  and it actually looks pretty good.  i still need to lose the weight that i gained after you died.  it just won't seem to come off.  could be all the butter and sweets i eat!  ya think????  anyway...i gotta get to work, but when that song started playing, i just had to come see ya.  i love you baby.  i miss you and would love for you to "visit" me.  love, momma

HA! I'm Back!!!!!!!!!!!!

Katie! Oh my! I miss you! I haven't been here in so long. I was afraid to post because so much has been going on with the courts and stuff. I was afraid that someone that shouldn't see might be reading. But now I don't care. I've realized that addiction is a disease of secrets and so I don't want to keep secrets anymore! Not even for Kelsey. Not even if it means she loses the kids. :-( And the kids are now in a foster home, Katie. I'm so sad!!!! It's almost Christmas and they won't be with Kelsey and your dad. But I guess the state is going to let them see her afterall. Kelsey said that they may let them be with her and aaron for 3 hours that day. OH I HOPE SO!!! Zoey is so amazing! She has such a pure soul. If anyone has the "right" to feel sorry for themselves in all of this drama, it's our little Zoe-Head...but she doesn't. She knows she has to keep going...and she does. There is so much to tell you. We had court. Richard Bennett is in prison. It was so dramatic, Kate. When we got to court that morning, the Victim Witness lady and the ADA said that the pre-sentencing investigation people were recommending NO JAIL TIME!!! Evidently, he was doing all these good deeds. He was going to the defensive driving school and giving talks about the evils of drunk driving. He went through TWO treatment programs and brought TWENTY character referrence letters. The lady from the driving school even wrote a letter telling the court how effective his talk was and how she wanted him to be able to come back to do more! I was flipping out. It was like on TV or something. The Victim Advocate lady (her name is Shelly) was telling me I had to get ahold of myself. That it wasn't over. That we would get to address the court, but I didn't believe it would make any difference. Kelsey freaked out too. They almost couldn't get her to come into the court room. I guess we sort of feel like the system never works for us. It always seems like they take the other person's side. So your dad went up and talked. And then I went up and talked. We talked about the kind of person you were. We talked about how we will never stop missing you. We talked about Kelsey and Zoey and how much they miss you. We told them about Kayden and what a loss it is that he will never even get to meet his amazing Aunt Katie. I talked about how you and I would never have a chance to resolve our "issues" and how I would never get to hug you and smell your hair again. We also told the court (and I told Richard Bennett directly) that we knew he didn't mean for you to die that day. And that we don't hate him. We don't want him to die. We want him to pay his debt. We want him to never do anything like that again. It was so...intense, Kate. It was so awful to have to get up there...but yet...it was good. I brought pictures of you and Kelsey together. And of you and Zoey together. The judge was really kind. He seemed to really feel our pain and made notes while we spoke. THEN Richard's family got to talk. They had a really good statement. It was talking about how YOUR memory would be better served if Richard was allowed to go free and do his "good work" about drunk driving and all of that. I wanted to stand up scream, I was so scared that the judge would agree. Then RICHARD got to talk. OMG. You know how much I love to watch those court shows on tv. It was like that...and then some. It was so dramatic. I can't even imagine having to do that everyday. Even as an attorney or a judge. Also, they don't have anyone that's not associated with the case in the court room. But anyway, then Richards attorney spoke and he was REALLY good! If I was ever in trouble in Wisconsin (which I hope I never am!!!) I would want this guy representing me. But the judge ended up interrupting him and cutting him off. He told them that yes...it was true, that Richard had done a lot in making sure he wouldn't reoffend and also rehabilitating himself. But he goes, "There's also punishment." He talked about you. That you too had a problem with alcohol and drugs, but you chose NOT to drive that night. He talked about how your chance to make good had been taken from you and that it was not ok. That he had to pay for that as well. Katie, I could have run up to the bench and hugged him. He was very stern with him. His family was sobbing and I'm sorry for their pain. But as the judge pointed out, they will still have their son when all is said and done. And he has brought all of this pain to them as well. And he sentenced him to a year and a half in prison. He will have 6 1/2 years supervised probation and he will have to do 100 hours per year of community service every year that he is out until the 6 1/2 years is over. He has to pay for your funeral. "every penny!" as the judge said. And if he is ever in violation of his probation, he will serve every minute of the 25 year maximum sentence. That's what the judge said. He banged his gavel and walked out. They took Richard to jail right then. They let his family say goodbye to him, but then they took him to jail. I can't begin to tell you how healing it was. I have so much more to tell you, but I'm at work right now and haven't done anything yet. I love you and I miss you so much. I am so glad to be back here. I will be here a lot now. The courts be damned. We've been through it the past couple of years, girl. All due to alcohol and drugs. I hate them. I really do. I hope you're in the arms of the angels my sweet girl. Talk to you soon. Love, Momma

Sunday Morning

Hi Katie. its been a few days, i guess. i think i don't come here as often when i'm feeling better. but i don't want it to be that way. i want to come here when i'm doing well too. well.....we have lots going on! i have to tell you about kelsey. OMG! guess what. she got a job. (i'll tell you the things that have happened in order) there's a place call the rock on the river. its a restaurant and the people that own it are the same people that own culver's. evidently they are "the new owners". so anyway...she went in and filled out an application earlier in the week and put their names at the top of it. (pretty smart!) they called her in for an interview the next day and hired her on the spot. she has to wear black pants and a hawaiian top! (~smirk~) the next day, she got on the computer to look up her eligibility status for her driver's license. and it said....you guessed it....ELIGIBLE. !!!! so she went to the DMV and took her written exam and now she has a learner's permit. she can take her test in a couple of weeks. THEN...oh wait....this is out of order. before she did that...she went and got INSURANCE for her car. she bought an old car from ken a few weeks ago for $500. not the most beautiful car in the world, but she says it runs great. so after she got the insurance she went to the DMV and took the test, passed and then got the permit. she went to work for her first day yesterday and she likes it. i'm SO proud of her. this has been a long old road to hoe. she has had so many disappointments, but hasn't given up. i don't know why it is, but when you live your life in a way that's not right, the results are immediate. when you do the right things, it seems to take forever to see any benefit. so anyway, i know you would be so proud too. i wanted to share it with you. and also with anyone that may read this blog. so many people, katie, have been loving us through this. some of them pray for us, some of them are quietly hoping for us, some have been right on the front lines. feeling our pain and hanging in there with us. and those people have no idea how much it has helped. i don't think we would have come this far without them. so our victories are their victories. i have felt so much better since i told you i was angry with you. never think that i don't love you with all of my heart and soul because i do. but it pisses me off that you can't be here. and that these things can't be happening for you too. life is so strange. i'm pretty sure that i'm new to this freaking human experience. i think i may have been an animal of some sort in a former life. maybe not even from this planet. i will be driving along and all of a sudden i think how weird it is. that we made these machines that make us go so much faster than we really should. and how we have grocery stores. rather than getting our food the way any other species does, we go to these big boxes and get more than we could ever need and come home with them. its just so odd to me. anyway...enough of my weird philosophy. lol. i can just see you looking at me with a puzzled look on your face. i love you my baby girl. i wish you were here. you know....you COULD come flutter by while i'm out for a run. it would be so nice to see you. love, momma

Memorial Day

Hi Katie. Here is a picture of your sign. when you died, applebee's put on their sign, "We love you Crazy Katie. We will never forget u." they have a plaque in the restaurant with your name and picture on it. you are so loved, katie. I miss you so much today. I dreamt about you last night. It was the strangest dream. You were gone, but we were having like...some sort of family reunion. Grandpa Homer was there. and there were pictures of you on this collage thing. and i took all of them down and put them in my pocket. and i was crying. i was so sad. i wanted to tell you a little bit about your funeral. i'm not sure, i'll have to ask kelsey, but there were i think, about 600 people altogether that came that day. we closed your casket. we let kelsey make that call. i got to see you though. girl, i swear, i wanted to get in there and lie down next to you and just put my arms around you. but it wasn't really you. the only think that really felt like you was your beautiful soft hair. i love you. i miss you. kelsey and i went and picked out an outfit for you. we bought everything new. we bought you a black t-shirt and a hoodie with some cartoon print that you like. we bought you sexy boy short panties, socks and jeans. we bought a wrist band for you to wear. you looked good. the music was awesome. we had "in the arms of the angels" by sarah mclaughlin, "wild horses" by the cranberries and "everything's not lost" by coldplay. we told the minister not to be all churchy. she talked about your spirit and your love of art and life and people and she said that was god if you believe in god. it was an awesome tribute my love. today i feel all weepy. i have been thinking of your last days. and how we didn't know. we didn't know we were so close to the end of our time with you. i thought i would have more time. if i would have known, i would have come. my heart is pounding. i have a lump in my throat. in the picture below, see the necklaces kelsey and i have on? they are pendants with some of your ashes in them. kelsey has the symbol for infinity and mine is the symbol for strength. we will get one for zoey when she graduates from high school. in the meantime, kelsey and i both have small urns with your ashes. zoey picks them up and carries them around with her. i have mine set up in my room with your lamp, one of the pictures that you drew (and its framed), the angel of rememberance and a picture of you and kelsey when you were babies in a little heart shaped frame. i call it my katie shrine. i look at it every morning and night. sometimes i pick up your ashes and shake them. :-) my heart aches for you today. i'm going home the day after tomorrow. i will put flowers at the tree and stay there for awhile. i feel closer to you there. i will sit in the spot where you last laid and feel you. we all miss you so much. i would give anything to hear your voice again. to smell your hair. to look at your hands. i always loved your hands. bet you didn't know that, did you? you were very much like me, kate. and you also had my demons. well...its time to try and get on with my day. kelsey and aaron and the kids are going to a cook out at your dad's house. that will be good for all of them. let us feel you, Kate. we still need you in our lives. you were so much more than you ever knew. love, mom.

Saturday!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Katie girl. Here's a pic of Kelsey and Zoey for you. It's Saturday morning. i just woke up. it's memorial day weekend. yay! three days off work. it's been raining here for a full week. it doesn't usually do that unless we have a hurricane. we needed the rain, but enough already! i don't have to go back to work until tuesday. then i work that one day and the next day i fly to wisconsin to see kelsey, zoey and kayden. i am going for the anniversary of your death. we (kelsey, dad and me) are going to spend the evening together. i want to look at pictures of you and remember you. not that we don't remember you every day, but i mean actually schedule the time to do so. you know? i mean...every day you are in our thoughts. you're actually my first cohesive thought of the day...every day. but i don't get the pictures out and stuff. the last time i was in wisconsin, your dad let me go into your room and pick out some stuff of yours to keep. he's keeping your room just as it was. black walls with red flames. lol. he's fixing the holes in the wall though. ~smirk~ i took your red beaded lamp, your marilyn monroe poster, a picture that you drew, the poem you wrote, "airport bars", and your shell necklace that you bought when you were in california visiting tom. i wear the necklace sometimes. i want to go back and look through the rest of the stuff, but we had kayden with us and it was cold and stuff so we didn't stay very long. your dad is living there again and fixing the place up. frankly, you and kelsey trashed the place. you two were a couple of wild ones. (i have NO idea where you got it) hehe we miss you, Kate. kelsey and i were talking about you the other night. she is doing so good, katie. its like she has a real family with aaron, kayden and zoey. her apartment is really cute. she's not partying. she gets up early every day and takes care of kayden. and when i call her, aaron is doing homework with zoey and she's cooking dinner and kayden is playing in his office. my heart just fills up. i hear laughing and talking in the background. and she sounds happy. and here's the bummer. why couldn't we have that with you here?????? you would have loved it. my sisters are involved with her and the kids. it's like....a family. none of us have ever really had that. i was talking to judy the other night...and i never thought i'd hear these words come from my mouth, but it's like...my strength comes from the relationships i have with my family. you are still a part of it. i just wish we could have gotten you an apartment too. and seen you spread your pretty butterfly wings and fly. stay with us kate. we do not ever want you to think that you are not a part of it. ugh. i don't know...sometimes...i just ache to have you here. i'm going to go out for a walk this morning and i hope i see a butterfly or a dragonfly. you can come to me anytime. anytime. i miss you, sweetie. love, your momma. Katherine katie Fernihough

Your Nephew

Hi Katie! Here's the picture I promised you. This is your nephew, Kayden. Isn't he CUTE!!! He looks so much like Zoey did at his age. He's about 5 1/2 months old here. He's almost 7 months old now, but I haven't seen him. I'm going to be up there on the 28th, so I'll take more pictures then. I just downloaded 288 pics, so I have lots to show you. A whole bunch of our sweet Zoey. She misses you so much. Whenever she talks about you she says, "My Aunt Katie." It would just break your heart. She loves you so much. When I go up to visit her, I'm going to show her how to write to you here. She can draw you pictures and put them on the computer for you. I think it will help her to have a place to come to to talk to you.

It's Sunday night already, so it's back to work tomorrow. I've never understood why the week lasts so long and the weekend is SO short! Oh well. Right now, I'm just really glad to have a job. I work at a company called Mojo Interactive. It's where I worked that first time you came down to visit me. Remember? You went to lunch with Sean and me??? I went back to work there about 5 months ago. I like it. We went to a party at my boss's house last night. Celebration for reaching our sales goal. Consequently, I laid around most of the day today. So anyway...I just wanted to show you Kayden. He got his first haircut today! lol. Kelsey said he was a good boy. She's doing so good, Kate. She has her own place and is going to counseling. She's such a good mom. She gets up every morning with Kayden. Zoey is there every weekend and Wednesday night. She's trying really hard to get her back. She misses you so much too. I'll put some pictures up of her in the next few days so you can see her. She's so beautiful, just like you. I miss you, baby. I love you. Sweet dreams. Momma