Out for a walk

Hi Katie. It's Saturday...YAY!!!!! It's beautiful here this morning. I'm going out for a walk/run. The day that your Dad called me to tell me about your accident I was out for a run. I was up to about 3 miles a day. I was feeling good. I always use that time to wake up and think about stuff. I had resolved to really take control of my work and be "all I could be...blah blah blah". When I got home, there was a voicemail from your Dad. It was 7:30. I was like...uh oh...this can't be good. He never calls me. I called him back and he told me. It felt like an electric shock went through my whole body. I curled up on the floor and called to Kam. He was still in bed. The only thing I could think of is that I had to get home and I couldn't stand the thought of being cooped up in an airplane for three hours. It was intolerable. Since then, I've been having a really hard time getting back to running. When I go, I'm afraid that when I come back there will be a message on my phone. I know it's irrational. Lightning doesn't strike twice, but still...it makes me not want to go. Once I tried taking my phone with me, but that was creepy too. I think in some wierd way, I associate running with that day. Now that I realize it, I'm determined to overcome it. So I've been going everyday. UGH. I'm SO sore. Sometimes, when I'm out there, a butterfly or dragon fly will follow me...or really more like lead me. It will flutter along in front of me. I always think of you. I like to think that that's you encouraging me to push a little harder. I wish you were here. I wish this had never happened. I don't want this blog to be a whiney sort of thing, so I'm not always going to talk to you about how sad I am. But I want you to know that I miss you and I will NOT forget you or go a day without thinking about you. When grandma betty died, I was a little sad, but not for long and I never think about her anymore. I don't miss her. I gotta tell you, it scares me that that could happen with you. I talk to Judy about it. She says no way. That will never happen and I don't need to be afraid of it. I worry that I'm just sort of a cold heartless bitch and only concerned with myself. In the weeks following your death, I promised myself that I would be the mom to you that you would be proud of. I would handle this with grace and dignity and always be there for you. So anyway...that's it. I'm going for my run...UGH..haha... Maybe a butterfly will come see me this morning (hint, hint) :-) I'm going to mention your name everytime I post. I want this to be optimized on the search engines so that when people search your name, they will find Katie's Place. Katherine Katie Fernihough. love, momma