OMG....The First Grief Support Group Meeting

Hi Katie. i thought this picture was funny. i went to my first grief support group last night. aye yi yi. it was very disjointed and not many people (according to them, it's usually a much larger group). the "topic" was "blessings that your child gave you." UGH! and guess what? just as i had feared, their children were saints. they had contributed so much, blah blah blah. i listened for as long as i could and then i asked if i could talk. i was like....look...my kid wasn't head of the student council, doing philanthropy, cheerleading, or any of that crap. she was doing drugs and drinking and was killed basically through some poor decisions made while under the influence. and here's what they said...."OHHHH...we're not judging you!!!" huh???? how could they be judging me when they didn't even know???? SHIT! i went there hoping someone could understand...and granted it was the first meeting and i'm gonna give it several more tries. but here's my issue. we had so many things unresolved. i'm not sure i feel judged. at all....even by me. but what i feel is like when katie died, she took with her any hope of us ever being able to have a relationship. i had always hoped for the day that she would be really here. not drunk and angry and in trouble and making bad choices that were hurtful to her. does anyone really get how much that hurts???????????? to see one of the people (and actually...it was both of them...katie AND kelsey) that you love the most in this whole world and feel that its your job to protect them...making choices that could potentially destroy them? i mean...as a mom....i was their protector. their guide. their MOM. ~sighs~ i go see judy tonight. and i need to ask her about all of this. i'm grieving katie...but i'm also grieving her future. it was taken. i guess....without even knowing it....i was living for the day that i could have my babies back. no one may have known...but i was working so hard for that. it was the focus of my counseling sessions. i was such a doofus as a mom when they were growing up. i was so....unsure. didn't know what the hell i was doing. i was so scared. and finally...i found a counselor that was actually giving me some instructions....telling me how to be a mom....and i was doing it. and no matter what they were doing, i was still being a mom. in the past i would get scared and frustrated and run away. judy was (and is) helping me to do that....but now...i'll never have that chance with katie. oh for god's sake. if anyone reads this...please please please don't feel sorry for me. this is my sounding board and i am not so miserable. i'm miserable about katie and some of the mistakes that i've made in my life. but i have my beautiful daughter kelsey. and her children who are the most delicious little babies in the whole world (besides my babies of course! ha!) and i have the most wonderful loving support from my sisters and friends. and a really groovy job that i love. (even in this shit recession). and i have a boyfriend that i've been with for a long time that we've grown into this, i don't know, understanding of each other. does he love this stuff? nope. is he very much support? nope. he doesn't know how. but...he loves me and he's hanging in there. i'm pretty healthy except this goddamned weight thing. my life pretty much ROCKS. and then there's this katie thing. and it hurts. and it confuses me. and i'm lost in this area of my life. but...all in all...things are good. and i have so much love in my heart...it's crazy. so...(and kell...this is mostly for you if you're reading)...i know you hurt for me and for yourself about this. but please don't worry and feel sad for me. it's all good. it's part of my life now. and i'm muddling through it and sounding off here. that's all. and you know what else? it changes...sometimes...i feel like i'm being swallowed by it. but then there are other times...that i'm ok. and just like when it first happened...i'm re-committing. i will be a good mom to katie still. i will try and walk through this with some dignity and handle it in a way that my sweet babies will be proud of. for katie. ya know? anyway...this is starting to sound sappy...so i'm goin' to work. i love you katie and kelsey and kris and kelli and linda, tammy, bre, judy, jenny, diane, zoey, kaydo-kayden, and all of the other people that have cared through all of this. there've been many. love you kate. momma