Happy New Year!

Grrr...I'm not lovin' the new blog editor.  oh well.  i can't really control where the text goes.  When i try and put it at the top of my post...it deletes my Happy New Year picture I put up here for you.  ok...i think i got it now.  anyway...welcome to 2010.  i love the sound of that.  we rang the new year in watching the ball drop on tv.  omg...that is such an old person thing to do.  lol.  i hate going out on new year's eve.  too crowded.  i didn't even like to when i was in my 20's.  so anyway.  we went and saw this new movie called sherlock holmes.  pretty good...but i'm not a real go to the movies kind of girl.  jude law plays dr. watson and he's hot so that was nice!  lol.  i bought this book called The Lovely Bones.  it's a movie now, and that's how i found out about the book.  it's a story told by a girl that was murdered.  she tells it from heaven.  guess who it makes me think of.  yup.  you.  i've been thinking of you a lot lately.  and your sister.  you know...i can't remember if i told you, but she's pregnant again. you two girls wear me out.  i love you.  i have been having some realizations lately about our relationship.  yours and mine.  mine and kelsey's.  and why i hurt so badly over you both.  i ACHE.  i don't really feel like talking about it today.  but soon.  i hope your heaven is wonderful katie.  i love you and miss you.  gotta run.  cleaning the house today.  yuck!  kisses and hugs and smooches and squeeeeeeeeeeze!  i love you!  momma.

Katie Katie Katiedid

Hey baby girl.  Guess what song's playing?  Everything's Not Lost, Coldplay.  We had that played at your funeral.  Where are you?  Why aren't you here?  Not to be melancholy, but I miss you like crazy.  I always think to call you and then realize I can't.  I dial your number sometimes.  I called one of them once and some guy answered.  I was like, I've got the wrong number.  and he goes, "are you sure?"  I was like...yeah...I'm sure.  anyway...just when i said i was gonna write because i didn't wanna keep any secrets, something happened that i was afraid to write.  you won't believe it.  Kelsey's pregnant.  and she's going to keep it.  zoey and kayden are in foster care.  i just don't understand.  i mean...i do.  she doesn't want to have an abortion, but i just don't know how she can manage.  aaron called me last night and said she's been drinking.  she doesn't tell me now i guess.  i have to tell ol' what's her name, april.  cuz if i don't, they think i'm a bad grandma and keep secrets from them.  i'm so over them though, i just want zoey and kayden to be ok.  kelsey has to take care of her own demons.  ya know, kate...i am so tired.  i am so tired of not knowing what to do.  do you know that's why i ran away so much?  i just didn't know what to do.  that was so wrong.  i'm not going to do it again.  but DAMN!  i'm sick of it.  so...on to the good stuff.  we had a nice, peaceful christmas.  kam is home for 2 weeks and i have to work, but that's ok.  i like my job.  i started exercising again and let me tell ya...i'm old!  lol  it hurts!  the other thing i didn't tell you is.......ok......wait for it.......i finally had my boobs done...AND liposuction.  i know...kind of extreme....but i wanted it!  and it actually looks pretty good.  i still need to lose the weight that i gained after you died.  it just won't seem to come off.  could be all the butter and sweets i eat!  ya think????  anyway...i gotta get to work, but when that song started playing, i just had to come see ya.  i love you baby.  i miss you and would love for you to "visit" me.  love, momma

Hey Sweetie!

Hi Katie Sweetie.
I have like....zero time to chat here today (maybe i can do more tonight), but i wanted to stop by.  My day is so much better today than yesterday.  I really think it's cuz I stopped by here and talked.  It just makes me feel better.  I miss you so much.  Here's a pic of Kayden.  Is he delicious or WHAT???

Monday..........ick

Hi Katiedid. this picture is from off of our patio. nice, huh? one night kelsey and were sitting out there and there was a baby possum sticking his head out of the leaves. even when they're babies, they're creepy looking. kelsey took this picture last summer during a storm. i was supposed to go have blood work this morning. well...i thought i was supposed to, but when i went to look up the location, it said you have to schedule an appointment. so now i'm going wednesday. its the kind where you have to fast before it, so i wasn't going to get my morning coffee. i hate that. anyway...now it's scheduled for wednesday morning so i'm having my coffee and going for a run. yesterday was the first day ever that i didn't hear from kelsey one time. :-( i hope everything is ok. i cleaned the house all day yesterday. YAY! i hate doing it, but i love the outcome. kam says i only clean when we're having company. um...i was like...when do you EVER clean??? MEN. ~smirk~ anyway...i'm off for my run. it's a beautiful morning. i really don't want to be creepy and write this TO you...but...i DO want to share life here with all of us earthlings with you. i want to share pictures, etc. linda sent me an article about this family that grieves by keeping treasure boxes for their son/brother that died. i like that. i don't get signs from you...which really pisses me off by the way. but i think of you everyday. i want to share the beautiful, fun, funny, awesome things that happen on any given day. like the view off of our patio. and the sunrise. and fireworks. and things that crack me up everyday. life is so funny. people are even funnier. it's so short the time here...isn't it? i always think i'll have tomorrow. and yet i never thought i'd live to be 50. go figure. i'll be 50 in about 3 weeks. kelsey is supposed to come. i was going to bring aaron down too, but that was contingent on him "behaving" himself. (geeesh...i'm such a mom) as of right now...i'd say his status is iffy. so we'll see. aunt kelli is coming too. it makes me smile just writing it. pretty cool that they're all coming to be with me when i hit the big 5-0. and all this time...my whole life...i always focused on people that DIDN'T care about me. instead of all of the people that do. ~sighs~ i'm blessed and i wish you were here to be blessed too. so anyway...NOW i'm gonna go for a run. but i gotta smoke a cig first. (haha) love you sweetie. i miss you. you're missed missed missed! love momma.

thinking a lot about katie today. i dreamt about her last night. i always dream of her when she was little. so strange. i'm depressed and feeling a little invaded. feeling like maybe this blog could be used for bad and not for good. that was never my intent, but i guess it can be a little like that say...the road to hell was paved with good intentions. ~smirk~ i miss katie AND i miss me. SO upset about this weight gain. geeeez. i've hated going running. hated it. i used to love it, but now, when i get a little ways away from the house, i start feeling anxious, like i have to hurry up and get back there. like...i might come home and find the terrible awful message that my daughter died. i feel angry. i suppose my shrinky dink would say that this is the "anger phase" of grief. i'm sick of being labeled. i'm sick of it being not incredible. not extraordinary. it IS extraordinary and not in a good way. i don't know this place. i don't know grief when your kid dies. i feel like i'm punishing myself. i live in this small space between sadness and acceptance. pergatory. it's not ok to feel sad because then i'm being weak and not going on with my life. everyone's sick of it. (that's what my head tells me) and then...acceptance....moving on....that's wrong too. it means i didn't love her enough. oh i know...i know from my shrinkage...that that's not true...these are all "normal" feelings. "normal" thoughts. they do NOT feel "normal" to me. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. anyway...i have to get to work. need to make a living here. and some other time, when i'm not so pissed...i'll take the time to notice what a great life (all in all) that i truly have. ~sighs~. let's all just love each other and be good to each other. you just never fucking know. i love you katie. momma.

Independence Day

Hi Katie. i haven't been here for a while. Kris was here, we went to disney for the weekend, then she left and i've been bluuuue. Kelsey has been having her share of ups and downs. she got her driver's license and a job and her and aaron i guess i'm a little pissed. i go to my grief support group for the first time this tuesday. unlike when i thought about going in the past, i'm actually looking forward to it. i'm really angry i think. it comes out as numbness. i am just not the same person. and on top of it, i can't feel you. i don't feel connected. i really DO try not to complain too much, but geeeez...i miss the old me. do you know what? i've gained 30 pounds! i never work out. is this your fault? is this kelsey's fault? no. its on me. but everything that's happened has made it really difficult to go forward. i really want to talk to others that have gone through having one of their babies die. not when they were a baby though. oh no. when they were 22 years old. and their kid resented them and left before any of it could be fixed. i believe you are still around. and i would really appreciate it if you could send some strength to kelsey and aaron. help them feel the right thing and then DO it. ok...enough of this. i felt like i should come here because i don't want to stop blogging. i know i'll work through this and i won't feel this way forever. i won't. happy 4th baby. i love you. momma

My Beautiful Girls

Hi my darling Katie-doodle. I'm sorry I haven't been here this week. I've had one of those very busy social weeks. Go figure. I'm so glad I have this place to come talk. I'm very tired. I am not so sad as I have been, so the stuff I want to say doesn't make sense. It SOUNDS like i'm SO sad. I just miss you. I want to put my arms around you and just lay my head against you. There's a song by Pink that I just love and it's one of those that remind me so much of you. I don't think it came out before you were gone. It's called "who knew". It says, "If someone said 3 years from now, you'd be long gone. I'd stand up and punch them out, cuz they're all wrong. I know better, because you said forever, and ever...who knew?" It goes on and on and it's actually about a break up with a lover, but it reminds me of you. Remember how scared I was? How I used to be so afraid something would happen to you because of the stuff you were doing? And you would tell me that everything was ok. That everything was going to be fine. That you were straightening up your act. And I SO wanted to believe you. I just hate that I'll never hold you again. Never be able to snuggle my baby, Katie. Another verse of the song says, "I'll keep you locked in my head until we meet again. Until we, until we meet again, And I won't forget you my friend. What happened?" Oh Kaaatie....we miss you. And I so wish you were here. I love you baby. Momma.

Same Shit, Different Day

Hi Sweet Katie. I just wanted to stop by and say hello to my baby girl. Please sit on Kelsey's shoulder today (and in her heart). She's goin' through it with aaaaaron. grrrrr. anyways...gotta be more productive at work
today. isn't that a kind of cool pic? miss you sweetie. talk soon. love momma.

katie

hi sweetie. i just wanted to put this pic of you, kelsey and me on here. look at you! omg...i miss you. i saw the most beautiful butterfly outside today. she was black and yellow striped. love you girl. your momma.

OMG i miss you

Katie. i miss you. this can't keep going on this way. i'm so disconnected. i need to get some help. i'm going to go the f&$@ing support group thing. i saw a lady on the way to work this morning with a thing in her window that said in loving memory of clay furbin. he was born in january of 1988 and died february of 2008. just a little bit before you. i almost followed her to ask her how she was coping. people care...but they don't. you know? they have moved on. i can't. i am so alone with it. i'll let you know how it goes. i love you. momma

Memorial Day

Hi Katie. Here is a picture of your sign. when you died, applebee's put on their sign, "We love you Crazy Katie. We will never forget u." they have a plaque in the restaurant with your name and picture on it. you are so loved, katie. I miss you so much today. I dreamt about you last night. It was the strangest dream. You were gone, but we were having like...some sort of family reunion. Grandpa Homer was there. and there were pictures of you on this collage thing. and i took all of them down and put them in my pocket. and i was crying. i was so sad. i wanted to tell you a little bit about your funeral. i'm not sure, i'll have to ask kelsey, but there were i think, about 600 people altogether that came that day. we closed your casket. we let kelsey make that call. i got to see you though. girl, i swear, i wanted to get in there and lie down next to you and just put my arms around you. but it wasn't really you. the only think that really felt like you was your beautiful soft hair. i love you. i miss you. kelsey and i went and picked out an outfit for you. we bought everything new. we bought you a black t-shirt and a hoodie with some cartoon print that you like. we bought you sexy boy short panties, socks and jeans. we bought a wrist band for you to wear. you looked good. the music was awesome. we had "in the arms of the angels" by sarah mclaughlin, "wild horses" by the cranberries and "everything's not lost" by coldplay. we told the minister not to be all churchy. she talked about your spirit and your love of art and life and people and she said that was god if you believe in god. it was an awesome tribute my love. today i feel all weepy. i have been thinking of your last days. and how we didn't know. we didn't know we were so close to the end of our time with you. i thought i would have more time. if i would have known, i would have come. my heart is pounding. i have a lump in my throat. in the picture below, see the necklaces kelsey and i have on? they are pendants with some of your ashes in them. kelsey has the symbol for infinity and mine is the symbol for strength. we will get one for zoey when she graduates from high school. in the meantime, kelsey and i both have small urns with your ashes. zoey picks them up and carries them around with her. i have mine set up in my room with your lamp, one of the pictures that you drew (and its framed), the angel of rememberance and a picture of you and kelsey when you were babies in a little heart shaped frame. i call it my katie shrine. i look at it every morning and night. sometimes i pick up your ashes and shake them. :-) my heart aches for you today. i'm going home the day after tomorrow. i will put flowers at the tree and stay there for awhile. i feel closer to you there. i will sit in the spot where you last laid and feel you. we all miss you so much. i would give anything to hear your voice again. to smell your hair. to look at your hands. i always loved your hands. bet you didn't know that, did you? you were very much like me, kate. and you also had my demons. well...its time to try and get on with my day. kelsey and aaron and the kids are going to a cook out at your dad's house. that will be good for all of them. let us feel you, Kate. we still need you in our lives. you were so much more than you ever knew. love, mom.

Saturday!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Katie girl. Here's a pic of Kelsey and Zoey for you. It's Saturday morning. i just woke up. it's memorial day weekend. yay! three days off work. it's been raining here for a full week. it doesn't usually do that unless we have a hurricane. we needed the rain, but enough already! i don't have to go back to work until tuesday. then i work that one day and the next day i fly to wisconsin to see kelsey, zoey and kayden. i am going for the anniversary of your death. we (kelsey, dad and me) are going to spend the evening together. i want to look at pictures of you and remember you. not that we don't remember you every day, but i mean actually schedule the time to do so. you know? i mean...every day you are in our thoughts. you're actually my first cohesive thought of the day...every day. but i don't get the pictures out and stuff. the last time i was in wisconsin, your dad let me go into your room and pick out some stuff of yours to keep. he's keeping your room just as it was. black walls with red flames. lol. he's fixing the holes in the wall though. ~smirk~ i took your red beaded lamp, your marilyn monroe poster, a picture that you drew, the poem you wrote, "airport bars", and your shell necklace that you bought when you were in california visiting tom. i wear the necklace sometimes. i want to go back and look through the rest of the stuff, but we had kayden with us and it was cold and stuff so we didn't stay very long. your dad is living there again and fixing the place up. frankly, you and kelsey trashed the place. you two were a couple of wild ones. (i have NO idea where you got it) hehe we miss you, Kate. kelsey and i were talking about you the other night. she is doing so good, katie. its like she has a real family with aaron, kayden and zoey. her apartment is really cute. she's not partying. she gets up early every day and takes care of kayden. and when i call her, aaron is doing homework with zoey and she's cooking dinner and kayden is playing in his office. my heart just fills up. i hear laughing and talking in the background. and she sounds happy. and here's the bummer. why couldn't we have that with you here?????? you would have loved it. my sisters are involved with her and the kids. it's like....a family. none of us have ever really had that. i was talking to judy the other night...and i never thought i'd hear these words come from my mouth, but it's like...my strength comes from the relationships i have with my family. you are still a part of it. i just wish we could have gotten you an apartment too. and seen you spread your pretty butterfly wings and fly. stay with us kate. we do not ever want you to think that you are not a part of it. ugh. i don't know...sometimes...i just ache to have you here. i'm going to go out for a walk this morning and i hope i see a butterfly or a dragonfly. you can come to me anytime. anytime. i miss you, sweetie. love, your momma. Katherine katie Fernihough

hello...hello??? is this thing on????

I have no idea how to write a blog. I don't know if anyone even reads these. I don't know how they would find it. But i'm going to start this. My daughter Katie was killed in a car accident on May 28th, 2008. She was the passenger in a car driven by a drunk driver. She was drunk too. She didn't have a seatbelt on and was thrown from the car and died instantly. She has an identical twin sister. Her name is Kelsey. We are both devistated...each in our own way. I don't have the words to really describe what it's been like...but lately...I have this feeling that I want her mark on this world visible and tangible. I was talking with a friend at work and she said that her sister also lost a child and that she started a blog. So here I am. It sounded like a good idea. It's kind of embarrassing though...writing where anyone can see. But I guess that's kind of the point. I want photos of her on here. She was a poet and an artist. She was beautiful and smart and funny. I want her sister to be able to post about her. And her dad and her friends. We all miss her so much. The man driving the car is going to come to trial in a couple of months. He is being charged with vehicular homicide and dui.