Katie Katie Katiedid

Hey baby girl.  Guess what song's playing?  Everything's Not Lost, Coldplay.  We had that played at your funeral.  Where are you?  Why aren't you here?  Not to be melancholy, but I miss you like crazy.  I always think to call you and then realize I can't.  I dial your number sometimes.  I called one of them once and some guy answered.  I was like, I've got the wrong number.  and he goes, "are you sure?"  I was like...yeah...I'm sure.  anyway...just when i said i was gonna write because i didn't wanna keep any secrets, something happened that i was afraid to write.  you won't believe it.  Kelsey's pregnant.  and she's going to keep it.  zoey and kayden are in foster care.  i just don't understand.  i mean...i do.  she doesn't want to have an abortion, but i just don't know how she can manage.  aaron called me last night and said she's been drinking.  she doesn't tell me now i guess.  i have to tell ol' what's her name, april.  cuz if i don't, they think i'm a bad grandma and keep secrets from them.  i'm so over them though, i just want zoey and kayden to be ok.  kelsey has to take care of her own demons.  ya know, kate...i am so tired.  i am so tired of not knowing what to do.  do you know that's why i ran away so much?  i just didn't know what to do.  that was so wrong.  i'm not going to do it again.  but DAMN!  i'm sick of it.  so...on to the good stuff.  we had a nice, peaceful christmas.  kam is home for 2 weeks and i have to work, but that's ok.  i like my job.  i started exercising again and let me tell ya...i'm old!  lol  it hurts!  the other thing i didn't tell you is.......ok......wait for it.......i finally had my boobs done...AND liposuction.  i know...kind of extreme....but i wanted it!  and it actually looks pretty good.  i still need to lose the weight that i gained after you died.  it just won't seem to come off.  could be all the butter and sweets i eat!  ya think????  anyway...i gotta get to work, but when that song started playing, i just had to come see ya.  i love you baby.  i miss you and would love for you to "visit" me.  love, momma

Katie Katie Katie

Hi Kate.  Ohhhhh I miss you.  I love you.  I've always loved you so much.  I wish you could come back for just one day!  I'm at work but wanted to visit you.  I have so much to say to you.  I'll be back soon.  Love you, Momma

Hey Sweetie!

Hi Katie Sweetie.
I have like....zero time to chat here today (maybe i can do more tonight), but i wanted to stop by.  My day is so much better today than yesterday.  I really think it's cuz I stopped by here and talked.  It just makes me feel better.  I miss you so much.  Here's a pic of Kayden.  Is he delicious or WHAT???

Monday..........ick

Hi Katiedid. this picture is from off of our patio. nice, huh? one night kelsey and were sitting out there and there was a baby possum sticking his head out of the leaves. even when they're babies, they're creepy looking. kelsey took this picture last summer during a storm. i was supposed to go have blood work this morning. well...i thought i was supposed to, but when i went to look up the location, it said you have to schedule an appointment. so now i'm going wednesday. its the kind where you have to fast before it, so i wasn't going to get my morning coffee. i hate that. anyway...now it's scheduled for wednesday morning so i'm having my coffee and going for a run. yesterday was the first day ever that i didn't hear from kelsey one time. :-( i hope everything is ok. i cleaned the house all day yesterday. YAY! i hate doing it, but i love the outcome. kam says i only clean when we're having company. um...i was like...when do you EVER clean??? MEN. ~smirk~ anyway...i'm off for my run. it's a beautiful morning. i really don't want to be creepy and write this TO you...but...i DO want to share life here with all of us earthlings with you. i want to share pictures, etc. linda sent me an article about this family that grieves by keeping treasure boxes for their son/brother that died. i like that. i don't get signs from you...which really pisses me off by the way. but i think of you everyday. i want to share the beautiful, fun, funny, awesome things that happen on any given day. like the view off of our patio. and the sunrise. and fireworks. and things that crack me up everyday. life is so funny. people are even funnier. it's so short the time here...isn't it? i always think i'll have tomorrow. and yet i never thought i'd live to be 50. go figure. i'll be 50 in about 3 weeks. kelsey is supposed to come. i was going to bring aaron down too, but that was contingent on him "behaving" himself. (geeesh...i'm such a mom) as of right now...i'd say his status is iffy. so we'll see. aunt kelli is coming too. it makes me smile just writing it. pretty cool that they're all coming to be with me when i hit the big 5-0. and all this time...my whole life...i always focused on people that DIDN'T care about me. instead of all of the people that do. ~sighs~ i'm blessed and i wish you were here to be blessed too. so anyway...NOW i'm gonna go for a run. but i gotta smoke a cig first. (haha) love you sweetie. i miss you. you're missed missed missed! love momma.

Morning

Morning, Katie. Just back from my run/walk. i'm trying to overcome the anxiety i feel whenever i leave the house to exercise. i actually have a big mosquito bite on my muffin top! UGH! it has protruded enough now for small bugs to land on. yesterday i decided screw fat grams and carbs and acai and anti-oxidants and green tea and fat burning diets. i'm eating whatever (within reason) that equals 1300 calories a day and exercizing. my body is betraying me. everything that used to work isn't. a month from tomorrow i turn 50. i'm thinking that has something to do with this. and menopause. and not exercising for a year. and maybe my hep. yikes. that would suck if that starts to give me problems. there's a treatment for it, but supposedly its similar to cancer treatments and one of the main side effects is DEPRESSION! um....i dunno. i think i better just bit the bullet and go have my blood work done tomorrow. i never speculate to the positive. it's always the worst possible outcome. ~shaking head~ last night at judy's while i was waiting i was reading redbook. it had this little blurb about how to spread joy. even reading about it made me feel delish. so i think today, i might search for a few ways to spread some love. i have GOT to send linda her presents for her birthday. i'm only a month late. good lord. well...time for a shower (or to wash the stink off of me as Kam would say). i love you and miss you. oh...one other thing...two people in the past couple of weeks have said i should write a book. i would have NO idea where to start. and besides...who cares? lol. but ya know...it might be therapeutic. and i'm actually thinking about it. maybe just start to write my story and see where it goes. i miss you..stinkweed. love you. momma.

OMG....The First Grief Support Group Meeting

Hi Katie. i thought this picture was funny. i went to my first grief support group last night. aye yi yi. it was very disjointed and not many people (according to them, it's usually a much larger group). the "topic" was "blessings that your child gave you." UGH! and guess what? just as i had feared, their children were saints. they had contributed so much, blah blah blah. i listened for as long as i could and then i asked if i could talk. i was like....look...my kid wasn't head of the student council, doing philanthropy, cheerleading, or any of that crap. she was doing drugs and drinking and was killed basically through some poor decisions made while under the influence. and here's what they said...."OHHHH...we're not judging you!!!" huh???? how could they be judging me when they didn't even know???? SHIT! i went there hoping someone could understand...and granted it was the first meeting and i'm gonna give it several more tries. but here's my issue. we had so many things unresolved. i'm not sure i feel judged. at all....even by me. but what i feel is like when katie died, she took with her any hope of us ever being able to have a relationship. i had always hoped for the day that she would be really here. not drunk and angry and in trouble and making bad choices that were hurtful to her. does anyone really get how much that hurts???????????? to see one of the people (and actually...it was both of them...katie AND kelsey) that you love the most in this whole world and feel that its your job to protect them...making choices that could potentially destroy them? i mean...as a mom....i was their protector. their guide. their MOM. ~sighs~ i go see judy tonight. and i need to ask her about all of this. i'm grieving katie...but i'm also grieving her future. it was taken. i guess....without even knowing it....i was living for the day that i could have my babies back. no one may have known...but i was working so hard for that. it was the focus of my counseling sessions. i was such a doofus as a mom when they were growing up. i was so....unsure. didn't know what the hell i was doing. i was so scared. and finally...i found a counselor that was actually giving me some instructions....telling me how to be a mom....and i was doing it. and no matter what they were doing, i was still being a mom. in the past i would get scared and frustrated and run away. judy was (and is) helping me to do that....but now...i'll never have that chance with katie. oh for god's sake. if anyone reads this...please please please don't feel sorry for me. this is my sounding board and i am not so miserable. i'm miserable about katie and some of the mistakes that i've made in my life. but i have my beautiful daughter kelsey. and her children who are the most delicious little babies in the whole world (besides my babies of course! ha!) and i have the most wonderful loving support from my sisters and friends. and a really groovy job that i love. (even in this shit recession). and i have a boyfriend that i've been with for a long time that we've grown into this, i don't know, understanding of each other. does he love this stuff? nope. is he very much support? nope. he doesn't know how. but...he loves me and he's hanging in there. i'm pretty healthy except this goddamned weight thing. my life pretty much ROCKS. and then there's this katie thing. and it hurts. and it confuses me. and i'm lost in this area of my life. but...all in all...things are good. and i have so much love in my heart...it's crazy. so...(and kell...this is mostly for you if you're reading)...i know you hurt for me and for yourself about this. but please don't worry and feel sad for me. it's all good. it's part of my life now. and i'm muddling through it and sounding off here. that's all. and you know what else? it changes...sometimes...i feel like i'm being swallowed by it. but then there are other times...that i'm ok. and just like when it first happened...i'm re-committing. i will be a good mom to katie still. i will try and walk through this with some dignity and handle it in a way that my sweet babies will be proud of. for katie. ya know? anyway...this is starting to sound sappy...so i'm goin' to work. i love you katie and kelsey and kris and kelli and linda, tammy, bre, judy, jenny, diane, zoey, kaydo-kayden, and all of the other people that have cared through all of this. there've been many. love you kate. momma

thinking a lot about katie today. i dreamt about her last night. i always dream of her when she was little. so strange. i'm depressed and feeling a little invaded. feeling like maybe this blog could be used for bad and not for good. that was never my intent, but i guess it can be a little like that say...the road to hell was paved with good intentions. ~smirk~ i miss katie AND i miss me. SO upset about this weight gain. geeeez. i've hated going running. hated it. i used to love it, but now, when i get a little ways away from the house, i start feeling anxious, like i have to hurry up and get back there. like...i might come home and find the terrible awful message that my daughter died. i feel angry. i suppose my shrinky dink would say that this is the "anger phase" of grief. i'm sick of being labeled. i'm sick of it being not incredible. not extraordinary. it IS extraordinary and not in a good way. i don't know this place. i don't know grief when your kid dies. i feel like i'm punishing myself. i live in this small space between sadness and acceptance. pergatory. it's not ok to feel sad because then i'm being weak and not going on with my life. everyone's sick of it. (that's what my head tells me) and then...acceptance....moving on....that's wrong too. it means i didn't love her enough. oh i know...i know from my shrinkage...that that's not true...these are all "normal" feelings. "normal" thoughts. they do NOT feel "normal" to me. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. anyway...i have to get to work. need to make a living here. and some other time, when i'm not so pissed...i'll take the time to notice what a great life (all in all) that i truly have. ~sighs~. let's all just love each other and be good to each other. you just never fucking know. i love you katie. momma.

Independence Day

Hi Katie. i haven't been here for a while. Kris was here, we went to disney for the weekend, then she left and i've been bluuuue. Kelsey has been having her share of ups and downs. she got her driver's license and a job and her and aaron i guess i'm a little pissed. i go to my grief support group for the first time this tuesday. unlike when i thought about going in the past, i'm actually looking forward to it. i'm really angry i think. it comes out as numbness. i am just not the same person. and on top of it, i can't feel you. i don't feel connected. i really DO try not to complain too much, but geeeez...i miss the old me. do you know what? i've gained 30 pounds! i never work out. is this your fault? is this kelsey's fault? no. its on me. but everything that's happened has made it really difficult to go forward. i really want to talk to others that have gone through having one of their babies die. not when they were a baby though. oh no. when they were 22 years old. and their kid resented them and left before any of it could be fixed. i believe you are still around. and i would really appreciate it if you could send some strength to kelsey and aaron. help them feel the right thing and then DO it. ok...enough of this. i felt like i should come here because i don't want to stop blogging. i know i'll work through this and i won't feel this way forever. i won't. happy 4th baby. i love you. momma

Look at you! oh my god...what a beautiful girl. i love you. i miss you. shit. aunt kristi comes today and frankly...i'm so glad. this really isn't getting much better. so anyway...we went and saw blue man group last night. it was amazing. it was so...i dunno sweet and innocent (and funny and pretty). i'm so excited to go to disney with kris next weekend. we're getting a hotel and staying out there so we can go two days. woo hoo! i'd love to go

to universal too. i can't help remembering when you kelsey, zoey and i went. omg...i was so ready to shoot you and kelsey. you both had gone out drinking and had been fighting. we postponed it a day so that you'd feel better. you two fought off and on all day. and sotero had shaved zoey's head. argh! people kept looking at her like they thought she had cancer. ~shaking head~ i'm looking at this pic of you. my sweet, innocent baby. ohhh katie....what will i ever do without you???? so beautiful it makes my heart hurt. well...better get back to work. love you sweetness. momma

Happy Father's Day

Katie! I don't have much time to post today because it's father's day and kam's girls are here. i'm making breakfast. my "famous" french toast, bacon, canadian bacon and scrambled eggs. i texted your dad this morning to wish him a happy father's day. everyone was pretty concerned about me on mother's day, but it really wasn't so terrible. we never really hung out together on mom's day anyway. i'm not sure what you guys usually did, but i'm thinking of him today. he's probably golfing. it is SO freaking hot here today. ugh. heat index 110. kam and the girls are going swimming, but i'm too fat to wear a swimming suit so i'm staying home. we're going to watch home movies and then tonight take the girls to see blue man group. making plans to come to wisconsin for richard bennett's hearing. i'm going to bring zoey back with me. she will stay with us for about 3 weeks. kelsey, aaron and kaydo-kayden will come the last week to celebrate my 50th birthday! kelli is coming for that too. i guess we will be having a little celebration. hmmmm...50 years old. that's half a century. i'm starting to look my age. it freaks me out. i've always been so all about how i look. guess i'll have to focus on just being a better person. these are the twilight years. ok...well...i'm going to fix breakfast. i love you. miss you. wish you were "here". love, momma.

My Beautiful Girls

Hi my darling Katie-doodle. I'm sorry I haven't been here this week. I've had one of those very busy social weeks. Go figure. I'm so glad I have this place to come talk. I'm very tired. I am not so sad as I have been, so the stuff I want to say doesn't make sense. It SOUNDS like i'm SO sad. I just miss you. I want to put my arms around you and just lay my head against you. There's a song by Pink that I just love and it's one of those that remind me so much of you. I don't think it came out before you were gone. It's called "who knew". It says, "If someone said 3 years from now, you'd be long gone. I'd stand up and punch them out, cuz they're all wrong. I know better, because you said forever, and ever...who knew?" It goes on and on and it's actually about a break up with a lover, but it reminds me of you. Remember how scared I was? How I used to be so afraid something would happen to you because of the stuff you were doing? And you would tell me that everything was ok. That everything was going to be fine. That you were straightening up your act. And I SO wanted to believe you. I just hate that I'll never hold you again. Never be able to snuggle my baby, Katie. Another verse of the song says, "I'll keep you locked in my head until we meet again. Until we, until we meet again, And I won't forget you my friend. What happened?" Oh Kaaatie....we miss you. And I so wish you were here. I love you baby. Momma.

Sunday Morning

Hi Katie. its been a few days, i guess. i think i don't come here as often when i'm feeling better. but i don't want it to be that way. i want to come here when i'm doing well too. well.....we have lots going on! i have to tell you about kelsey. OMG! guess what. she got a job. (i'll tell you the things that have happened in order) there's a place call the rock on the river. its a restaurant and the people that own it are the same people that own culver's. evidently they are "the new owners". so anyway...she went in and filled out an application earlier in the week and put their names at the top of it. (pretty smart!) they called her in for an interview the next day and hired her on the spot. she has to wear black pants and a hawaiian top! (~smirk~) the next day, she got on the computer to look up her eligibility status for her driver's license. and it said....you guessed it....ELIGIBLE. !!!! so she went to the DMV and took her written exam and now she has a learner's permit. she can take her test in a couple of weeks. THEN...oh wait....this is out of order. before she did that...she went and got INSURANCE for her car. she bought an old car from ken a few weeks ago for $500. not the most beautiful car in the world, but she says it runs great. so after she got the insurance she went to the DMV and took the test, passed and then got the permit. she went to work for her first day yesterday and she likes it. i'm SO proud of her. this has been a long old road to hoe. she has had so many disappointments, but hasn't given up. i don't know why it is, but when you live your life in a way that's not right, the results are immediate. when you do the right things, it seems to take forever to see any benefit. so anyway, i know you would be so proud too. i wanted to share it with you. and also with anyone that may read this blog. so many people, katie, have been loving us through this. some of them pray for us, some of them are quietly hoping for us, some have been right on the front lines. feeling our pain and hanging in there with us. and those people have no idea how much it has helped. i don't think we would have come this far without them. so our victories are their victories. i have felt so much better since i told you i was angry with you. never think that i don't love you with all of my heart and soul because i do. but it pisses me off that you can't be here. and that these things can't be happening for you too. life is so strange. i'm pretty sure that i'm new to this freaking human experience. i think i may have been an animal of some sort in a former life. maybe not even from this planet. i will be driving along and all of a sudden i think how weird it is. that we made these machines that make us go so much faster than we really should. and how we have grocery stores. rather than getting our food the way any other species does, we go to these big boxes and get more than we could ever need and come home with them. its just so odd to me. anyway...enough of my weird philosophy. lol. i can just see you looking at me with a puzzled look on your face. i love you my baby girl. i wish you were here. you know....you COULD come flutter by while i'm out for a run. it would be so nice to see you. love, momma

Same Shit, Different Day

Hi Sweet Katie. I just wanted to stop by and say hello to my baby girl. Please sit on Kelsey's shoulder today (and in her heart). She's goin' through it with aaaaaron. grrrrr. anyways...gotta be more productive at work
today. isn't that a kind of cool pic? miss you sweetie. talk soon. love momma.

katie

hi sweetie. i just wanted to put this pic of you, kelsey and me on here. look at you! omg...i miss you. i saw the most beautiful butterfly outside today. she was black and yellow striped. love you girl. your momma.

OMG i miss you

Katie. i miss you. this can't keep going on this way. i'm so disconnected. i need to get some help. i'm going to go the f&$@ing support group thing. i saw a lady on the way to work this morning with a thing in her window that said in loving memory of clay furbin. he was born in january of 1988 and died february of 2008. just a little bit before you. i almost followed her to ask her how she was coping. people care...but they don't. you know? they have moved on. i can't. i am so alone with it. i'll let you know how it goes. i love you. momma

Katie Katie Katie................

Hi Katie. ugh...i miss you so much today! i'm at work, but decided to take a minute to talk with you. so this is my lunch. :-) i don't have a lot of pics on my puter here at work, so i just found one on the internet. i thought you might like it. i must have dreamt about you last night. i don't remember it, but i've had that feeling all day. like...i expect a call from you. i tried calling your cell phone numbers yesterday. some guy answered and i said i must have the wrong number. he goes, "are you sure??? who are you looking for?" i said i was trying to find katie. that was very weird. the number you had when you had the accident is not a "working number". i wonder if we will get those things back after the sentencing hearing. i would like to. your purse was in the car. i wonder what was in it. i would like something you had with you. i kept some particals of glass from the accident scene. i looked all over for something of yours. oh geeez...i always feel like i sound so mormid talking to you. i guess i use this to vent to you, katie. i want want want want WANT you to come back. i hate this feeling. it always feels like i should be able to call you. and then....i have the realization...that you are gone and you're never coming back. i don't believe in heaven. not like...someday i'll die and i'll get to see you again. and some day we'll all be together, the same "people" that we are now. i believe that you've gone on. that everyone does. that our souls are recycled. maybe even scattered. maybe a piece of your beautiful soul went to kayden. maybe another to mandy's baby that is on the way. maybe to people we don't know. maybe to another universe. of course, i don't know. but i know my earthly self will never hold your earthly self again. i always picture your hands. i love your hands. and i can still smell your hair and feel your skin. and it just kills me that you will never write another poem. experience anything else here again. at least not as katie fernihough. omg...news flash! kelsey is going to get...........................are you ready???? she's going to get her.........DRIVER'S LICENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol. omg! since your accident, kelsey has been working towards getting her life together. you would not believe how far she has come. her life is so different. she's been going to counseling and staying clean. so she paid her fines with her income tax return and went to her final appointment with the people that decide whether you can have your license back or not. they signed the papers and she has like...just a little left to pay and after that, she can take her driver's test. she's so excited! lol. cool, huh? well anyway, sweetie, my lunch is over so i should get back to work. i love you. i miss you. and i think about you every single day. love you, baby. talk soon. momma

Back in Florida

Hi Katie. Well...I'm back home in florida. UGH. That's the worst part of going to visit. leaving. i always have this big sad spot when i leave. i really like living in florida. i just wish i wasn't so far from kelsey and the fam. i think i was whining about that yesterday. so anyway! work is good. i really love my job. kam and i are good...pretty much....most of the time.... aunt kristi is coming to visit on the 22nd. we're going to disney. remember when we went??? that was a very good day! and remember when we went to sea world? i have that picture of you and kelsey and me and zoey going down that big roller coaster into the water. ~smiling~ soooo fun! so aunt kristi and i are going to disney all by ourselves. i can't wait. i've been wanting to go back and haven't done it yet. then...richard bennett is SUPPOSEDLY having his plea and sentencing hearing on the 24th of July. we'll see about that. they've postponed it a gazillion times. supposedly...he is going to plead guilty to vehicular homicide with a vehicle while driving under the influence. we'll see about that too. his attorney has promised the prosecuting attorney that he will not fight it. we are not willing to plea bargain. i'm not sure we get the final say...but as it stands right now there is no offer on the table. i'm going to go for the hearing. i am bringing kelsey, zoey, kayden and maybe aaron back with me. we'll see about THAT too. it is very conditional. if he doesn't behave himself, he is not coming. kelsey may not want to either, then. and that will be up to her. i just am not going to reward him if he is being an asshole. you know? this morning, i prayed. i asked god if he would let you please be our angel. to give us a nudge in the right directions. cuz, sometimes, kate...i feel clueless. not in an outrageous sad sort of way...but...just like wondering if i'm doing the right thing. so that's about it for now. i love you, girlie. i miss you always. flutter by me sometime. i always love that. momma

Sunday

Hi Katie. It's sunday. i go home tomorrow. i'm very sad already and trying really hard not to be. you know? i love being in florida. i just hate being so far away from kelsey and the kids. i'm feeling very sad about you today too. i feel like i haven't had much time to just sit. the time i get to spend here is so short. this is picture was taken today down at the lagoon. zoey actually took it. it's right up by that place where the bands play and people dance. barb and kiki dedicated it to you. its beautiful here today. we went out there and then to the store. a day in beloit without walmart is like a day without sunshine i guess. ugh!!!! i am NOT a fan of walmart. haha. its so weird, sometimes i think of calling you. like...let's call katie and have her come over. i guess that's the denial, eh? i want to show zoey how to do this so she can come and talk to you, but her attention span is sort of like a gnat's and i'm not sure she'll get it yet. ha...if you were here, i know you'd want me to show her so i will. she has to go back to satero's tonight. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... i'm going to tell him no, but ultimately its his say. ok...well...i guess i'll go for now. maybe zoey and i will come back later. wait...she's here. maybe i'll show her now. i love you, katie.

Saturday in Wisconsin

Hi Baby Girl. how are you today? we are ok. we are having a family day. :-) we have made it through the anniversary...together. who would have ever thought, katie, that we would have our family to lean on and get comfort from? you have brought us all together, katie. it is so ironic. you have been our wake up call. in my whole life...all FIFTY years...i have taken for granted the love of friends and family. it was never enough. i needed more. when you left us...kelsey and talked. we both vowed to act in a way that made you proud. that paid tribute to you and would show you how we felt about you. i think that we are doing that. we do not take each other for granted anymore. we pay attention to what's important and know how precious we all are to each other. the thing is...we all regret that it took this tragedy to wake us all up. we wish we could have shared this WITH you. and for that...sweet baby, we're sorry. i'm sorry. you are so important to us. look how you have impacted this world. i have a picture to show you. all of these people gathered to remember you on "the day". we all miss you and wish you were here. i gave as many people as i could the address to your place. hopefully they will come here and get some comfort. i know i do. today we're going to go down to the river and see your brick. barb and kiki got a brick with your name on it. i'm going to take some flowers there. a lot of people took flowers and butterflies by the tree on thursday and that man took them all away. i've kind of given up on the tree. :-( he's a mean, hateful man and i don't know. i'm just over him, i guess. we are going shopping today to get zoey some new jeans and maybe a little something for kayden. i'll write more later. i love you, sweets. momma. xoxoxoox

One Year

Hi Katie Girl. Well...i'm home. we are all here. it was one year ago today. michael, mandy, drew, noah, isaah, dad, kelsey, aaron, zoey, kayden, me. we have been a whole year without you and our lives will never be the same. kelsey and i are taking flowers to your tree today. we are spending time together tonight. getting strength and comfort from each other. the ironic thing is we were all never this close before. you have brought us together. i know you would have liked that. my sisters are sending their love. they miss you too. tonight...there is a tribute to you at jersey's. kelsey and i are going. your friends from applesbee's are coming. they will be drinking a toast to you. i will take some pictures and put them on here for you. know, where ever you are...you are so loved. i hope you can feel all of the love that is being sent to you. when you left us...you left a katie shaped hole in our universe. i will probably write more to you later, but i wanted to say hello. i miss you. i love you. momma