Sunday Morning

Hi Katie. its been a few days, i guess. i think i don't come here as often when i'm feeling better. but i don't want it to be that way. i want to come here when i'm doing well too. well.....we have lots going on! i have to tell you about kelsey. OMG! guess what. she got a job. (i'll tell you the things that have happened in order) there's a place call the rock on the river. its a restaurant and the people that own it are the same people that own culver's. evidently they are "the new owners". so anyway...she went in and filled out an application earlier in the week and put their names at the top of it. (pretty smart!) they called her in for an interview the next day and hired her on the spot. she has to wear black pants and a hawaiian top! (~smirk~) the next day, she got on the computer to look up her eligibility status for her driver's license. and it said....you guessed it....ELIGIBLE. !!!! so she went to the DMV and took her written exam and now she has a learner's permit. she can take her test in a couple of weeks. THEN...oh wait....this is out of order. before she did that...she went and got INSURANCE for her car. she bought an old car from ken a few weeks ago for $500. not the most beautiful car in the world, but she says it runs great. so after she got the insurance she went to the DMV and took the test, passed and then got the permit. she went to work for her first day yesterday and she likes it. i'm SO proud of her. this has been a long old road to hoe. she has had so many disappointments, but hasn't given up. i don't know why it is, but when you live your life in a way that's not right, the results are immediate. when you do the right things, it seems to take forever to see any benefit. so anyway, i know you would be so proud too. i wanted to share it with you. and also with anyone that may read this blog. so many people, katie, have been loving us through this. some of them pray for us, some of them are quietly hoping for us, some have been right on the front lines. feeling our pain and hanging in there with us. and those people have no idea how much it has helped. i don't think we would have come this far without them. so our victories are their victories. i have felt so much better since i told you i was angry with you. never think that i don't love you with all of my heart and soul because i do. but it pisses me off that you can't be here. and that these things can't be happening for you too. life is so strange. i'm pretty sure that i'm new to this freaking human experience. i think i may have been an animal of some sort in a former life. maybe not even from this planet. i will be driving along and all of a sudden i think how weird it is. that we made these machines that make us go so much faster than we really should. and how we have grocery stores. rather than getting our food the way any other species does, we go to these big boxes and get more than we could ever need and come home with them. its just so odd to me. anyway...enough of my weird philosophy. lol. i can just see you looking at me with a puzzled look on your face. i love you my baby girl. i wish you were here. you know....you COULD come flutter by while i'm out for a run. it would be so nice to see you. love, momma

Mourning...oops...i mean MORNING

Katiedoodle! good morning. i woke up at 4:45 this morning. that keeps happening and when i do i'm wide awake. that is SO not me. i've been going back to sleep and then when its time to really wake up...i'm like...ugh....deep asleep. so this morning i tried just getting up. i am truly not a morning person! went to see judy last night. what an interesting meeting. i like her so much. we talked about you a lot. not so much about you, but about how losing you is affecting me. not to sound creepy or anything, but its so interesting. since you died, i have had such a hard time making myself run in the mornings like i used to. i used to love that. it was a time for me to pull myself together for my day. i would think of all kinds of things. i would think of how running benefitted me. i would listen to birds and watch animals that were out with the sun. i would go over conversations i'd WISHED i'd had with people that pissed me off the day before. i'd think about my day at work and how i was going to tackle my day. i'd think about the person i wanted to be and make commitments to myself that i would redouble my efforts to do it. i had some amazing realizations on those morning runs! then.....................came "The Day". that morning was a really good run. very productive. i came home excited to get to work. ready to go. i went in to start to get ready and looked at my phone, and there was a message from your dad. the rest is history. but the thing is...i have not been a good runner since then. i'm scared. i'm afraid to leave my phone that long. i'm afraid of what will be waiting for me when i return. it's so frustrating. i KNOW it's illogical. i even get that its because of that day. and i've tried to overcome it by saying to myself...ok...this is just because of what happened. its not real and you can go for a run and everything will be cool when you get home. once i even tried taking the phone with me. that was worse. i was terrified. i felt like...omg....what if i get "the call" when i'm a couple of miles from the house on foot???? i couldn't bear it. so...for the first time in a long time at counseling, i talked about me. i talked about how i'm feeling and it's official: i have post traumatic stress disorder. you know how i love an official diagnosis! i'm going to go to a grief support group. it's called the Compassionate Friends (hate the name!) they're a national group and are dedicated to people who have lost a child. for the past year i've been saying that i need to go, that ok...i will go...like i'd be doing someone a favor...and finally now i'm saying i WANT to go. i feel like it would be a privilege to listen to other's experiences. how they felt and how they have coped and begun to have a life again. i thought i was above all of it. i thought that i could skirt around it. that somehow, i could have lost you, and gone from that day to my life without going through it. it just seems that there are never really any shortcuts. and that's ok. its life. and i'm still living. i don't think you knew how much you could hurt us. i have to say at the risk of sounding like a bitch...i'm pissed at you. please know that i love you. it's not that...but god, katie...how selfish. i never even got to know you as a young woman. you were drinking and drugging and hating me. i made mistakes....i'm sorry. you and kelsey are the only things in my life that make me want to turn back the clock so i could do things over differently. i so wish i had known judy when you were little. i wish she could have told me not to be so scared. but i didn't. and i can't undo it. i never got to know you. and i hate that. i read a blog last night that was really good. she's been blogging since 2005. she said that it is affecting her in a negative way. that all she does is bitch and moan (that's a very general summary...she was way more eloquent). i can totally relate. that's why i stopped journaling. it was like a place to just complain. to whine and look at every little freaking thing in my life and bitch about it. that isn't who i am anymore. and here's the thing...you didn't know me either. and that's sad too. we were actually very much alike. and i take that as a huge compliment. i admire who you were, kate. you had a passion in you that was so real. i wish we could have made it to the day where it could be channeled in a positive way. that would have so rocked. anyway....i love you and i have to get ready for work. its one of those days where i'm looking forward to it. i love love love my job. it's way groovy. HA. it was really good to talk with you this morning and i'd love it if you sent a butterfly my way today for a visit. talk with you soon. love, momma. awwwwwwww....squeeeeeze!

Same Shit, Different Day

Hi Sweet Katie. I just wanted to stop by and say hello to my baby girl. Please sit on Kelsey's shoulder today (and in her heart). She's goin' through it with aaaaaron. grrrrr. anyways...gotta be more productive at work
today. isn't that a kind of cool pic? miss you sweetie. talk soon. love momma.

katie

hi sweetie. i just wanted to put this pic of you, kelsey and me on here. look at you! omg...i miss you. i saw the most beautiful butterfly outside today. she was black and yellow striped. love you girl. your momma.

OMG i miss you

Katie. i miss you. this can't keep going on this way. i'm so disconnected. i need to get some help. i'm going to go the f&$@ing support group thing. i saw a lady on the way to work this morning with a thing in her window that said in loving memory of clay furbin. he was born in january of 1988 and died february of 2008. just a little bit before you. i almost followed her to ask her how she was coping. people care...but they don't. you know? they have moved on. i can't. i am so alone with it. i'll let you know how it goes. i love you. momma

Katie Katie Katie................

Hi Katie. ugh...i miss you so much today! i'm at work, but decided to take a minute to talk with you. so this is my lunch. :-) i don't have a lot of pics on my puter here at work, so i just found one on the internet. i thought you might like it. i must have dreamt about you last night. i don't remember it, but i've had that feeling all day. like...i expect a call from you. i tried calling your cell phone numbers yesterday. some guy answered and i said i must have the wrong number. he goes, "are you sure??? who are you looking for?" i said i was trying to find katie. that was very weird. the number you had when you had the accident is not a "working number". i wonder if we will get those things back after the sentencing hearing. i would like to. your purse was in the car. i wonder what was in it. i would like something you had with you. i kept some particals of glass from the accident scene. i looked all over for something of yours. oh geeez...i always feel like i sound so mormid talking to you. i guess i use this to vent to you, katie. i want want want want WANT you to come back. i hate this feeling. it always feels like i should be able to call you. and then....i have the realization...that you are gone and you're never coming back. i don't believe in heaven. not like...someday i'll die and i'll get to see you again. and some day we'll all be together, the same "people" that we are now. i believe that you've gone on. that everyone does. that our souls are recycled. maybe even scattered. maybe a piece of your beautiful soul went to kayden. maybe another to mandy's baby that is on the way. maybe to people we don't know. maybe to another universe. of course, i don't know. but i know my earthly self will never hold your earthly self again. i always picture your hands. i love your hands. and i can still smell your hair and feel your skin. and it just kills me that you will never write another poem. experience anything else here again. at least not as katie fernihough. omg...news flash! kelsey is going to get...........................are you ready???? she's going to get her.........DRIVER'S LICENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol. omg! since your accident, kelsey has been working towards getting her life together. you would not believe how far she has come. her life is so different. she's been going to counseling and staying clean. so she paid her fines with her income tax return and went to her final appointment with the people that decide whether you can have your license back or not. they signed the papers and she has like...just a little left to pay and after that, she can take her driver's test. she's so excited! lol. cool, huh? well anyway, sweetie, my lunch is over so i should get back to work. i love you. i miss you. and i think about you every single day. love you, baby. talk soon. momma

Back in Florida

Hi Katie. Well...I'm back home in florida. UGH. That's the worst part of going to visit. leaving. i always have this big sad spot when i leave. i really like living in florida. i just wish i wasn't so far from kelsey and the fam. i think i was whining about that yesterday. so anyway! work is good. i really love my job. kam and i are good...pretty much....most of the time.... aunt kristi is coming to visit on the 22nd. we're going to disney. remember when we went??? that was a very good day! and remember when we went to sea world? i have that picture of you and kelsey and me and zoey going down that big roller coaster into the water. ~smiling~ soooo fun! so aunt kristi and i are going to disney all by ourselves. i can't wait. i've been wanting to go back and haven't done it yet. then...richard bennett is SUPPOSEDLY having his plea and sentencing hearing on the 24th of July. we'll see about that. they've postponed it a gazillion times. supposedly...he is going to plead guilty to vehicular homicide with a vehicle while driving under the influence. we'll see about that too. his attorney has promised the prosecuting attorney that he will not fight it. we are not willing to plea bargain. i'm not sure we get the final say...but as it stands right now there is no offer on the table. i'm going to go for the hearing. i am bringing kelsey, zoey, kayden and maybe aaron back with me. we'll see about THAT too. it is very conditional. if he doesn't behave himself, he is not coming. kelsey may not want to either, then. and that will be up to her. i just am not going to reward him if he is being an asshole. you know? this morning, i prayed. i asked god if he would let you please be our angel. to give us a nudge in the right directions. cuz, sometimes, kate...i feel clueless. not in an outrageous sad sort of way...but...just like wondering if i'm doing the right thing. so that's about it for now. i love you, girlie. i miss you always. flutter by me sometime. i always love that. momma