Court

Oh yeah. we went to court today, katie. i saw him. for the first time. richard bennett. his mom and dad and i guess his brother. and his attorney. oh my god. the whole thing only lasted about 20 minutes, but it was SO draining. his attorney was such a puke. i couldn't sleep last n nn bbbbhnnnnnn bvbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbvbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbnbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb nBH YGHBb gvb(that's kayden's blo g b )b hjk y night thinking aboutn it nnjkkkkkkklol...omg...i have to do this later. kayden is up and i'm watching him. katie...he would crack you up! he's SO serious. he hardly laughs. he's always studying stuff. very intent and intense. wonder where he gets it from. (aaron?????) anyway./...i gotta go. he's fussing. love you. momma. ps. he pleaded guilty. i'll tell you about it later. xoxoxox

Monday..........ick

Hi Katiedid. this picture is from off of our patio. nice, huh? one night kelsey and were sitting out there and there was a baby possum sticking his head out of the leaves. even when they're babies, they're creepy looking. kelsey took this picture last summer during a storm. i was supposed to go have blood work this morning. well...i thought i was supposed to, but when i went to look up the location, it said you have to schedule an appointment. so now i'm going wednesday. its the kind where you have to fast before it, so i wasn't going to get my morning coffee. i hate that. anyway...now it's scheduled for wednesday morning so i'm having my coffee and going for a run. yesterday was the first day ever that i didn't hear from kelsey one time. :-( i hope everything is ok. i cleaned the house all day yesterday. YAY! i hate doing it, but i love the outcome. kam says i only clean when we're having company. um...i was like...when do you EVER clean??? MEN. ~smirk~ anyway...i'm off for my run. it's a beautiful morning. i really don't want to be creepy and write this TO you...but...i DO want to share life here with all of us earthlings with you. i want to share pictures, etc. linda sent me an article about this family that grieves by keeping treasure boxes for their son/brother that died. i like that. i don't get signs from you...which really pisses me off by the way. but i think of you everyday. i want to share the beautiful, fun, funny, awesome things that happen on any given day. like the view off of our patio. and the sunrise. and fireworks. and things that crack me up everyday. life is so funny. people are even funnier. it's so short the time here...isn't it? i always think i'll have tomorrow. and yet i never thought i'd live to be 50. go figure. i'll be 50 in about 3 weeks. kelsey is supposed to come. i was going to bring aaron down too, but that was contingent on him "behaving" himself. (geeesh...i'm such a mom) as of right now...i'd say his status is iffy. so we'll see. aunt kelli is coming too. it makes me smile just writing it. pretty cool that they're all coming to be with me when i hit the big 5-0. and all this time...my whole life...i always focused on people that DIDN'T care about me. instead of all of the people that do. ~sighs~ i'm blessed and i wish you were here to be blessed too. so anyway...NOW i'm gonna go for a run. but i gotta smoke a cig first. (haha) love you sweetie. i miss you. you're missed missed missed! love momma.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday

Katie, baby! How's it goin? Went for a run this morning. YAY me!!! not much anxiety at all. in fact, i kind of enjoyed it. i feel all full of love and stuff today. love it when i feel this way! i like the colour of this font too. i'm trying to decide what to do today. i should clean the rest of the house. i wish i knew what kam wanted to do. but it's pointless to ask him cuz he doesn't know. so we sit around for hours waiting for him to decide. i had the strangest dreams last night. i dreamt that kayden was just a tiny baby and he jumped in the swimming pool. i jumped in after him, but he was fine...he knew how to swim because he was older than he looked. then...when i got out of the water, the new jeans i had on had some sort of security thing in them that they made tattoos all over my legs even down to the bottom of my foot. then...kayden was walking by and he had his clothes on and he looked 10 years old and iranian! WTGF??? where do i come up with this crap??? geeez. i'm really angry at katie. this morning, out on my run, i saw lots of butterflies and dragonflies and i just ignored them...looked the other way. i feel like its a tease. if she wants to talk to me...then come to me in my dreams or something. good lord. i'm sick of this shit. i want to see her. i want to FEEL her. i'm so disconnected from her. ok...enough of that. i want to go buy a white tank top and sew tiny little beads all over it. hmmmmmmmm...sounds fun. maybe i will. but i better clean the house first. who the fuck am i talking to here? i guess myself. it used to be katie, but frankly i'd rather move away from doing that. it's hot and muggy and beautiful today. whatever i decide to do...it'll be yummy. here's the song i'm thinking about today....Fountain of Sorrow...Fountain of Life...
You've know that hollow sound
Of your own steps in flight.
You've had to struggle
You've had to fight.
To keep (blah blahblah)
and compassion in site.
You've had to hide sometimes...
But now you're alright.
And it's good to see your smiling face........tonight. :-)
love you, baby.........even if i'm pissed. miss you soooooo much. love, momma

Morning

Morning, Katie. Just back from my run/walk. i'm trying to overcome the anxiety i feel whenever i leave the house to exercise. i actually have a big mosquito bite on my muffin top! UGH! it has protruded enough now for small bugs to land on. yesterday i decided screw fat grams and carbs and acai and anti-oxidants and green tea and fat burning diets. i'm eating whatever (within reason) that equals 1300 calories a day and exercizing. my body is betraying me. everything that used to work isn't. a month from tomorrow i turn 50. i'm thinking that has something to do with this. and menopause. and not exercising for a year. and maybe my hep. yikes. that would suck if that starts to give me problems. there's a treatment for it, but supposedly its similar to cancer treatments and one of the main side effects is DEPRESSION! um....i dunno. i think i better just bit the bullet and go have my blood work done tomorrow. i never speculate to the positive. it's always the worst possible outcome. ~shaking head~ last night at judy's while i was waiting i was reading redbook. it had this little blurb about how to spread joy. even reading about it made me feel delish. so i think today, i might search for a few ways to spread some love. i have GOT to send linda her presents for her birthday. i'm only a month late. good lord. well...time for a shower (or to wash the stink off of me as Kam would say). i love you and miss you. oh...one other thing...two people in the past couple of weeks have said i should write a book. i would have NO idea where to start. and besides...who cares? lol. but ya know...it might be therapeutic. and i'm actually thinking about it. maybe just start to write my story and see where it goes. i miss you..stinkweed. love you. momma.

OMG....The First Grief Support Group Meeting

Hi Katie. i thought this picture was funny. i went to my first grief support group last night. aye yi yi. it was very disjointed and not many people (according to them, it's usually a much larger group). the "topic" was "blessings that your child gave you." UGH! and guess what? just as i had feared, their children were saints. they had contributed so much, blah blah blah. i listened for as long as i could and then i asked if i could talk. i was like....look...my kid wasn't head of the student council, doing philanthropy, cheerleading, or any of that crap. she was doing drugs and drinking and was killed basically through some poor decisions made while under the influence. and here's what they said...."OHHHH...we're not judging you!!!" huh???? how could they be judging me when they didn't even know???? SHIT! i went there hoping someone could understand...and granted it was the first meeting and i'm gonna give it several more tries. but here's my issue. we had so many things unresolved. i'm not sure i feel judged. at all....even by me. but what i feel is like when katie died, she took with her any hope of us ever being able to have a relationship. i had always hoped for the day that she would be really here. not drunk and angry and in trouble and making bad choices that were hurtful to her. does anyone really get how much that hurts???????????? to see one of the people (and actually...it was both of them...katie AND kelsey) that you love the most in this whole world and feel that its your job to protect them...making choices that could potentially destroy them? i mean...as a mom....i was their protector. their guide. their MOM. ~sighs~ i go see judy tonight. and i need to ask her about all of this. i'm grieving katie...but i'm also grieving her future. it was taken. i guess....without even knowing it....i was living for the day that i could have my babies back. no one may have known...but i was working so hard for that. it was the focus of my counseling sessions. i was such a doofus as a mom when they were growing up. i was so....unsure. didn't know what the hell i was doing. i was so scared. and finally...i found a counselor that was actually giving me some instructions....telling me how to be a mom....and i was doing it. and no matter what they were doing, i was still being a mom. in the past i would get scared and frustrated and run away. judy was (and is) helping me to do that....but now...i'll never have that chance with katie. oh for god's sake. if anyone reads this...please please please don't feel sorry for me. this is my sounding board and i am not so miserable. i'm miserable about katie and some of the mistakes that i've made in my life. but i have my beautiful daughter kelsey. and her children who are the most delicious little babies in the whole world (besides my babies of course! ha!) and i have the most wonderful loving support from my sisters and friends. and a really groovy job that i love. (even in this shit recession). and i have a boyfriend that i've been with for a long time that we've grown into this, i don't know, understanding of each other. does he love this stuff? nope. is he very much support? nope. he doesn't know how. but...he loves me and he's hanging in there. i'm pretty healthy except this goddamned weight thing. my life pretty much ROCKS. and then there's this katie thing. and it hurts. and it confuses me. and i'm lost in this area of my life. but...all in all...things are good. and i have so much love in my heart...it's crazy. so...(and kell...this is mostly for you if you're reading)...i know you hurt for me and for yourself about this. but please don't worry and feel sad for me. it's all good. it's part of my life now. and i'm muddling through it and sounding off here. that's all. and you know what else? it changes...sometimes...i feel like i'm being swallowed by it. but then there are other times...that i'm ok. and just like when it first happened...i'm re-committing. i will be a good mom to katie still. i will try and walk through this with some dignity and handle it in a way that my sweet babies will be proud of. for katie. ya know? anyway...this is starting to sound sappy...so i'm goin' to work. i love you katie and kelsey and kris and kelli and linda, tammy, bre, judy, jenny, diane, zoey, kaydo-kayden, and all of the other people that have cared through all of this. there've been many. love you kate. momma

thinking a lot about katie today. i dreamt about her last night. i always dream of her when she was little. so strange. i'm depressed and feeling a little invaded. feeling like maybe this blog could be used for bad and not for good. that was never my intent, but i guess it can be a little like that say...the road to hell was paved with good intentions. ~smirk~ i miss katie AND i miss me. SO upset about this weight gain. geeeez. i've hated going running. hated it. i used to love it, but now, when i get a little ways away from the house, i start feeling anxious, like i have to hurry up and get back there. like...i might come home and find the terrible awful message that my daughter died. i feel angry. i suppose my shrinky dink would say that this is the "anger phase" of grief. i'm sick of being labeled. i'm sick of it being not incredible. not extraordinary. it IS extraordinary and not in a good way. i don't know this place. i don't know grief when your kid dies. i feel like i'm punishing myself. i live in this small space between sadness and acceptance. pergatory. it's not ok to feel sad because then i'm being weak and not going on with my life. everyone's sick of it. (that's what my head tells me) and then...acceptance....moving on....that's wrong too. it means i didn't love her enough. oh i know...i know from my shrinkage...that that's not true...these are all "normal" feelings. "normal" thoughts. they do NOT feel "normal" to me. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. anyway...i have to get to work. need to make a living here. and some other time, when i'm not so pissed...i'll take the time to notice what a great life (all in all) that i truly have. ~sighs~. let's all just love each other and be good to each other. you just never fucking know. i love you katie. momma.

Independence Day

Hi Katie. i haven't been here for a while. Kris was here, we went to disney for the weekend, then she left and i've been bluuuue. Kelsey has been having her share of ups and downs. she got her driver's license and a job and her and aaron i guess i'm a little pissed. i go to my grief support group for the first time this tuesday. unlike when i thought about going in the past, i'm actually looking forward to it. i'm really angry i think. it comes out as numbness. i am just not the same person. and on top of it, i can't feel you. i don't feel connected. i really DO try not to complain too much, but geeeez...i miss the old me. do you know what? i've gained 30 pounds! i never work out. is this your fault? is this kelsey's fault? no. its on me. but everything that's happened has made it really difficult to go forward. i really want to talk to others that have gone through having one of their babies die. not when they were a baby though. oh no. when they were 22 years old. and their kid resented them and left before any of it could be fixed. i believe you are still around. and i would really appreciate it if you could send some strength to kelsey and aaron. help them feel the right thing and then DO it. ok...enough of this. i felt like i should come here because i don't want to stop blogging. i know i'll work through this and i won't feel this way forever. i won't. happy 4th baby. i love you. momma