Ode to Katie (or is that Owed to Katie???)

Hey Katie...

O.M.G. i am MISSING YOU!  good god....i need to come here more often!  it's just that with kelsey's court and stuff...we just have to be sooooo careful...and i could just see it....something i wrote here being the big obstacle for getting zoey and kayden back to her where they belong.  Once CPS (child protective services) (and THAT title is a JOKE!!!) is outta the picture...i can come here to talk to you anytime.  ~smiles~  and i don't think they'll be around much longer.  we've hired a real attorney, not just some court appointed PRETEND attorney.  He's actually awesome...and i don't usually use that word to talk about attorneys!  lol....he returns her phone calls...and he totally takes up for her in court and in meetings with CPS.  i think you'd approve.  kelsey and your dad picked him without my input....so i was all prepared to well....hate him.  and i'm happy to say...that's not the case.  YAY.  he seems really aggressive....and the state has been SO...i dunno...ridiculous about this.  they don't seem to be making decisions based on facts.  it's more like...kels has done something to piss them off and they're using the kids to punish her.  it's freaking crazy....believe me, your name has come up more than once!  we're like...OMG....if katie were here.....she's be goin' ballistic!!!!  you just wouldn't even believe the shit they've put kelsey through....and it would be one thing if she were not doing EVERYTHING they've told her to do (and then some i might add)....but she IS...and they still won't give them back.  they were going to give zoey to so-fucking loser-ter-o.  that's when we hired the lawyer.  his name is jeff livingston....and he stopped that little fiasco right away!  i dig him so far...and the day we stop diggin him...is the day he's fired.  this is too important to put up with less than excellence in the fight!  :-)  kelsey's preggers...AGAIN.  UGH.  she's 6 months along so i might have written about it before, but i probably didn't.  frankly...i was trying to talk her into not having it or giving it up for adoption.  of course...she wouldn't.  UGH.  i have made it very clear to her....if she gets preggers again...i'm like....done.  i can't go through it anymore.  we love love love those babies....she makes the most wonderful babies....but...EGADS.....how's she EVER gonna get on her feet??? huh???  i ask you!!!  lol.  i pray for both of you almost every night and every morning except when i forget.  i wouldn't mind...if you have any pull with god....if you asked him to help me out too.  i never do.  but i could use some help.  i can't find my joy kate.  i know it exists, cuz i had it...but i can't find it now.  :-(  oh...i know what i was going to tell you.........................................................it's because of you that we can even hire a lawyer for kelsey, zoey and kayden.  we are paying for it with the settlement from your death.  so even if you can't BE here....you're helping and we thank you SO much for that baby girl.  i haven't been able to sleep tonight...(last night now)....so i was thinking of writing a poem to you.  this week is Katie Rememberance Week and Katie and Kelsey (twin love) week.  i'm posting pics of you and kels all week to commemerate your death.  i think...one of the hardest things to deal with....is that fucker taking all of your things off of the tree....

we have no place to go to remember you...and to grieve and honour what happened to you.  i'm really fucked up over that.  SO...i think...i am going to try and find a great spot to put a Katie Memorial....

where your friends can come and visit to feel closer to you.  and i can send flowers on your birthday...and people can drive by...and know that something happened there.  i can't believe that guy.  it's one of the meanest acts i've ever been subjected to.  and it affected me.  i need a katie spot.  i need me and others to remember you baby

we won't let you go.  is this not the coolest heart EVER?  i stole it from someone's post on face book!  lol.  so much is happening in this world kate.  new technology...new MUSIC!!!  (yes....new music!!! i cannot believe you're not here to share it)  so anyway...i've been composing a poem all morning...probably can't remember ANY of it...and it rhymes so i think that means it sucks.  lol.  oh well...thought that counts...and by the way...sometimes....it might NOT rhyme.  hate to be too predictable.  :-P  ok...smoke and think...and then i'll be back.  dig ya grrrrrrrrrrrrl.

we will let you move on...but we won't lose your place here on the big blue ball.  :-)  mmmmmmmmmmmmmmwah!  awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze!!!

Happy New Year!

Grrr...I'm not lovin' the new blog editor.  oh well.  i can't really control where the text goes.  When i try and put it at the top of my post...it deletes my Happy New Year picture I put up here for you.  ok...i think i got it now.  anyway...welcome to 2010.  i love the sound of that.  we rang the new year in watching the ball drop on tv.  omg...that is such an old person thing to do.  lol.  i hate going out on new year's eve.  too crowded.  i didn't even like to when i was in my 20's.  so anyway.  we went and saw this new movie called sherlock holmes.  pretty good...but i'm not a real go to the movies kind of girl.  jude law plays dr. watson and he's hot so that was nice!  lol.  i bought this book called The Lovely Bones.  it's a movie now, and that's how i found out about the book.  it's a story told by a girl that was murdered.  she tells it from heaven.  guess who it makes me think of.  yup.  you.  i've been thinking of you a lot lately.  and your sister.  you know...i can't remember if i told you, but she's pregnant again. you two girls wear me out.  i love you.  i have been having some realizations lately about our relationship.  yours and mine.  mine and kelsey's.  and why i hurt so badly over you both.  i ACHE.  i don't really feel like talking about it today.  but soon.  i hope your heaven is wonderful katie.  i love you and miss you.  gotta run.  cleaning the house today.  yuck!  kisses and hugs and smooches and squeeeeeeeeeeze!  i love you!  momma.

Katie Katie Katiedid

Hey baby girl.  Guess what song's playing?  Everything's Not Lost, Coldplay.  We had that played at your funeral.  Where are you?  Why aren't you here?  Not to be melancholy, but I miss you like crazy.  I always think to call you and then realize I can't.  I dial your number sometimes.  I called one of them once and some guy answered.  I was like, I've got the wrong number.  and he goes, "are you sure?"  I was like...yeah...I'm sure.  anyway...just when i said i was gonna write because i didn't wanna keep any secrets, something happened that i was afraid to write.  you won't believe it.  Kelsey's pregnant.  and she's going to keep it.  zoey and kayden are in foster care.  i just don't understand.  i mean...i do.  she doesn't want to have an abortion, but i just don't know how she can manage.  aaron called me last night and said she's been drinking.  she doesn't tell me now i guess.  i have to tell ol' what's her name, april.  cuz if i don't, they think i'm a bad grandma and keep secrets from them.  i'm so over them though, i just want zoey and kayden to be ok.  kelsey has to take care of her own demons.  ya know, kate...i am so tired.  i am so tired of not knowing what to do.  do you know that's why i ran away so much?  i just didn't know what to do.  that was so wrong.  i'm not going to do it again.  but DAMN!  i'm sick of it.  so...on to the good stuff.  we had a nice, peaceful christmas.  kam is home for 2 weeks and i have to work, but that's ok.  i like my job.  i started exercising again and let me tell ya...i'm old!  lol  it hurts!  the other thing i didn't tell you is.......ok......wait for it.......i finally had my boobs done...AND liposuction.  i know...kind of extreme....but i wanted it!  and it actually looks pretty good.  i still need to lose the weight that i gained after you died.  it just won't seem to come off.  could be all the butter and sweets i eat!  ya think????  anyway...i gotta get to work, but when that song started playing, i just had to come see ya.  i love you baby.  i miss you and would love for you to "visit" me.  love, momma

Katie Katie Katie

Hi Kate.  Ohhhhh I miss you.  I love you.  I've always loved you so much.  I wish you could come back for just one day!  I'm at work but wanted to visit you.  I have so much to say to you.  I'll be back soon.  Love you, Momma

Hey Sweetie!

Hi Katie Sweetie.
I have like....zero time to chat here today (maybe i can do more tonight), but i wanted to stop by.  My day is so much better today than yesterday.  I really think it's cuz I stopped by here and talked.  It just makes me feel better.  I miss you so much.  Here's a pic of Kayden.  Is he delicious or WHAT???

HA! I'm Back!!!!!!!!!!!!

Katie! Oh my! I miss you! I haven't been here in so long. I was afraid to post because so much has been going on with the courts and stuff. I was afraid that someone that shouldn't see might be reading. But now I don't care. I've realized that addiction is a disease of secrets and so I don't want to keep secrets anymore! Not even for Kelsey. Not even if it means she loses the kids. :-( And the kids are now in a foster home, Katie. I'm so sad!!!! It's almost Christmas and they won't be with Kelsey and your dad. But I guess the state is going to let them see her afterall. Kelsey said that they may let them be with her and aaron for 3 hours that day. OH I HOPE SO!!! Zoey is so amazing! She has such a pure soul. If anyone has the "right" to feel sorry for themselves in all of this drama, it's our little Zoe-Head...but she doesn't. She knows she has to keep going...and she does. There is so much to tell you. We had court. Richard Bennett is in prison. It was so dramatic, Kate. When we got to court that morning, the Victim Witness lady and the ADA said that the pre-sentencing investigation people were recommending NO JAIL TIME!!! Evidently, he was doing all these good deeds. He was going to the defensive driving school and giving talks about the evils of drunk driving. He went through TWO treatment programs and brought TWENTY character referrence letters. The lady from the driving school even wrote a letter telling the court how effective his talk was and how she wanted him to be able to come back to do more! I was flipping out. It was like on TV or something. The Victim Advocate lady (her name is Shelly) was telling me I had to get ahold of myself. That it wasn't over. That we would get to address the court, but I didn't believe it would make any difference. Kelsey freaked out too. They almost couldn't get her to come into the court room. I guess we sort of feel like the system never works for us. It always seems like they take the other person's side. So your dad went up and talked. And then I went up and talked. We talked about the kind of person you were. We talked about how we will never stop missing you. We talked about Kelsey and Zoey and how much they miss you. We told them about Kayden and what a loss it is that he will never even get to meet his amazing Aunt Katie. I talked about how you and I would never have a chance to resolve our "issues" and how I would never get to hug you and smell your hair again. We also told the court (and I told Richard Bennett directly) that we knew he didn't mean for you to die that day. And that we don't hate him. We don't want him to die. We want him to pay his debt. We want him to never do anything like that again. It was so...intense, Kate. It was so awful to have to get up there...but yet...it was good. I brought pictures of you and Kelsey together. And of you and Zoey together. The judge was really kind. He seemed to really feel our pain and made notes while we spoke. THEN Richard's family got to talk. They had a really good statement. It was talking about how YOUR memory would be better served if Richard was allowed to go free and do his "good work" about drunk driving and all of that. I wanted to stand up scream, I was so scared that the judge would agree. Then RICHARD got to talk. OMG. You know how much I love to watch those court shows on tv. It was like that...and then some. It was so dramatic. I can't even imagine having to do that everyday. Even as an attorney or a judge. Also, they don't have anyone that's not associated with the case in the court room. But anyway, then Richards attorney spoke and he was REALLY good! If I was ever in trouble in Wisconsin (which I hope I never am!!!) I would want this guy representing me. But the judge ended up interrupting him and cutting him off. He told them that yes...it was true, that Richard had done a lot in making sure he wouldn't reoffend and also rehabilitating himself. But he goes, "There's also punishment." He talked about you. That you too had a problem with alcohol and drugs, but you chose NOT to drive that night. He talked about how your chance to make good had been taken from you and that it was not ok. That he had to pay for that as well. Katie, I could have run up to the bench and hugged him. He was very stern with him. His family was sobbing and I'm sorry for their pain. But as the judge pointed out, they will still have their son when all is said and done. And he has brought all of this pain to them as well. And he sentenced him to a year and a half in prison. He will have 6 1/2 years supervised probation and he will have to do 100 hours per year of community service every year that he is out until the 6 1/2 years is over. He has to pay for your funeral. "every penny!" as the judge said. And if he is ever in violation of his probation, he will serve every minute of the 25 year maximum sentence. That's what the judge said. He banged his gavel and walked out. They took Richard to jail right then. They let his family say goodbye to him, but then they took him to jail. I can't begin to tell you how healing it was. I have so much more to tell you, but I'm at work right now and haven't done anything yet. I love you and I miss you so much. I am so glad to be back here. I will be here a lot now. The courts be damned. We've been through it the past couple of years, girl. All due to alcohol and drugs. I hate them. I really do. I hope you're in the arms of the angels my sweet girl. Talk to you soon. Love, Momma

Happy Birthday Katie!

You are missed and love. Aunt kelli