Hi Katie...this is zoey

hi aunt katie you are cool and i miss yoooooooooooooou.

Sunday

Hi Katie. It's sunday. i go home tomorrow. i'm very sad already and trying really hard not to be. you know? i love being in florida. i just hate being so far away from kelsey and the kids. i'm feeling very sad about you today too. i feel like i haven't had much time to just sit. the time i get to spend here is so short. this is picture was taken today down at the lagoon. zoey actually took it. it's right up by that place where the bands play and people dance. barb and kiki dedicated it to you. its beautiful here today. we went out there and then to the store. a day in beloit without walmart is like a day without sunshine i guess. ugh!!!! i am NOT a fan of walmart. haha. its so weird, sometimes i think of calling you. like...let's call katie and have her come over. i guess that's the denial, eh? i want to show zoey how to do this so she can come and talk to you, but her attention span is sort of like a gnat's and i'm not sure she'll get it yet. ha...if you were here, i know you'd want me to show her so i will. she has to go back to satero's tonight. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... i'm going to tell him no, but ultimately its his say. ok...well...i guess i'll go for now. maybe zoey and i will come back later. wait...she's here. maybe i'll show her now. i love you, katie.

Saturday in Wisconsin

Hi Baby Girl. how are you today? we are ok. we are having a family day. :-) we have made it through the anniversary...together. who would have ever thought, katie, that we would have our family to lean on and get comfort from? you have brought us all together, katie. it is so ironic. you have been our wake up call. in my whole life...all FIFTY years...i have taken for granted the love of friends and family. it was never enough. i needed more. when you left us...kelsey and talked. we both vowed to act in a way that made you proud. that paid tribute to you and would show you how we felt about you. i think that we are doing that. we do not take each other for granted anymore. we pay attention to what's important and know how precious we all are to each other. the thing is...we all regret that it took this tragedy to wake us all up. we wish we could have shared this WITH you. and for that...sweet baby, we're sorry. i'm sorry. you are so important to us. look how you have impacted this world. i have a picture to show you. all of these people gathered to remember you on "the day". we all miss you and wish you were here. i gave as many people as i could the address to your place. hopefully they will come here and get some comfort. i know i do. today we're going to go down to the river and see your brick. barb and kiki got a brick with your name on it. i'm going to take some flowers there. a lot of people took flowers and butterflies by the tree on thursday and that man took them all away. i've kind of given up on the tree. :-( he's a mean, hateful man and i don't know. i'm just over him, i guess. we are going shopping today to get zoey some new jeans and maybe a little something for kayden. i'll write more later. i love you, sweets. momma. xoxoxoox

One Year

Hi Katie Girl. Well...i'm home. we are all here. it was one year ago today. michael, mandy, drew, noah, isaah, dad, kelsey, aaron, zoey, kayden, me. we have been a whole year without you and our lives will never be the same. kelsey and i are taking flowers to your tree today. we are spending time together tonight. getting strength and comfort from each other. the ironic thing is we were all never this close before. you have brought us together. i know you would have liked that. my sisters are sending their love. they miss you too. tonight...there is a tribute to you at jersey's. kelsey and i are going. your friends from applesbee's are coming. they will be drinking a toast to you. i will take some pictures and put them on here for you. know, where ever you are...you are so loved. i hope you can feel all of the love that is being sent to you. when you left us...you left a katie shaped hole in our universe. i will probably write more to you later, but i wanted to say hello. i miss you. i love you. momma

One Day Left Til I Go Home!

Hi Sweetie. It's tuesday. back to work this morning. then...tomorrow...i go home. i get to see kelsey, zoey and kayden. i can't wait. kelsey called last night and said michael, mandy and the kids are coming too. they are coming to be with your dad on the anniversary of your death. that's a good thing for him. i was sort of hoping for it to be just us. i don't want to have to be social. i just want to be what i am. i have other issues too, but i'm not ready to write about them just yet. i'm so excited to go home. i can't wait. i miss kelsey and the kids when i don't get to see them. i've gone home every month since you died. last month was the first month i haven't gone. it's beautiful here today. i have to get ready for work. ugh. i've had three days off. i swear i could totally be good at being a stay at home person. i'm not one of those people that has to work to feel worthwhile. haha. anyway...i gotta run. just wanted to say hi. this pic is of zoey...close up and personal. isn't she beautiful??? kayden got his first tooth yesterday. i'll take a picture of it for you when i'm up there. i love you katie. talk soon. mom (katherine katie fernihough)

Memorial Day

Hi Katie. Here is a picture of your sign. when you died, applebee's put on their sign, "We love you Crazy Katie. We will never forget u." they have a plaque in the restaurant with your name and picture on it. you are so loved, katie. I miss you so much today. I dreamt about you last night. It was the strangest dream. You were gone, but we were having like...some sort of family reunion. Grandpa Homer was there. and there were pictures of you on this collage thing. and i took all of them down and put them in my pocket. and i was crying. i was so sad. i wanted to tell you a little bit about your funeral. i'm not sure, i'll have to ask kelsey, but there were i think, about 600 people altogether that came that day. we closed your casket. we let kelsey make that call. i got to see you though. girl, i swear, i wanted to get in there and lie down next to you and just put my arms around you. but it wasn't really you. the only think that really felt like you was your beautiful soft hair. i love you. i miss you. kelsey and i went and picked out an outfit for you. we bought everything new. we bought you a black t-shirt and a hoodie with some cartoon print that you like. we bought you sexy boy short panties, socks and jeans. we bought a wrist band for you to wear. you looked good. the music was awesome. we had "in the arms of the angels" by sarah mclaughlin, "wild horses" by the cranberries and "everything's not lost" by coldplay. we told the minister not to be all churchy. she talked about your spirit and your love of art and life and people and she said that was god if you believe in god. it was an awesome tribute my love. today i feel all weepy. i have been thinking of your last days. and how we didn't know. we didn't know we were so close to the end of our time with you. i thought i would have more time. if i would have known, i would have come. my heart is pounding. i have a lump in my throat. in the picture below, see the necklaces kelsey and i have on? they are pendants with some of your ashes in them. kelsey has the symbol for infinity and mine is the symbol for strength. we will get one for zoey when she graduates from high school. in the meantime, kelsey and i both have small urns with your ashes. zoey picks them up and carries them around with her. i have mine set up in my room with your lamp, one of the pictures that you drew (and its framed), the angel of rememberance and a picture of you and kelsey when you were babies in a little heart shaped frame. i call it my katie shrine. i look at it every morning and night. sometimes i pick up your ashes and shake them. :-) my heart aches for you today. i'm going home the day after tomorrow. i will put flowers at the tree and stay there for awhile. i feel closer to you there. i will sit in the spot where you last laid and feel you. we all miss you so much. i would give anything to hear your voice again. to smell your hair. to look at your hands. i always loved your hands. bet you didn't know that, did you? you were very much like me, kate. and you also had my demons. well...its time to try and get on with my day. kelsey and aaron and the kids are going to a cook out at your dad's house. that will be good for all of them. let us feel you, Kate. we still need you in our lives. you were so much more than you ever knew. love, mom.

Saturday!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Katie girl. Here's a pic of Kelsey and Zoey for you. It's Saturday morning. i just woke up. it's memorial day weekend. yay! three days off work. it's been raining here for a full week. it doesn't usually do that unless we have a hurricane. we needed the rain, but enough already! i don't have to go back to work until tuesday. then i work that one day and the next day i fly to wisconsin to see kelsey, zoey and kayden. i am going for the anniversary of your death. we (kelsey, dad and me) are going to spend the evening together. i want to look at pictures of you and remember you. not that we don't remember you every day, but i mean actually schedule the time to do so. you know? i mean...every day you are in our thoughts. you're actually my first cohesive thought of the day...every day. but i don't get the pictures out and stuff. the last time i was in wisconsin, your dad let me go into your room and pick out some stuff of yours to keep. he's keeping your room just as it was. black walls with red flames. lol. he's fixing the holes in the wall though. ~smirk~ i took your red beaded lamp, your marilyn monroe poster, a picture that you drew, the poem you wrote, "airport bars", and your shell necklace that you bought when you were in california visiting tom. i wear the necklace sometimes. i want to go back and look through the rest of the stuff, but we had kayden with us and it was cold and stuff so we didn't stay very long. your dad is living there again and fixing the place up. frankly, you and kelsey trashed the place. you two were a couple of wild ones. (i have NO idea where you got it) hehe we miss you, Kate. kelsey and i were talking about you the other night. she is doing so good, katie. its like she has a real family with aaron, kayden and zoey. her apartment is really cute. she's not partying. she gets up early every day and takes care of kayden. and when i call her, aaron is doing homework with zoey and she's cooking dinner and kayden is playing in his office. my heart just fills up. i hear laughing and talking in the background. and she sounds happy. and here's the bummer. why couldn't we have that with you here?????? you would have loved it. my sisters are involved with her and the kids. it's like....a family. none of us have ever really had that. i was talking to judy the other night...and i never thought i'd hear these words come from my mouth, but it's like...my strength comes from the relationships i have with my family. you are still a part of it. i just wish we could have gotten you an apartment too. and seen you spread your pretty butterfly wings and fly. stay with us kate. we do not ever want you to think that you are not a part of it. ugh. i don't know...sometimes...i just ache to have you here. i'm going to go out for a walk this morning and i hope i see a butterfly or a dragonfly. you can come to me anytime. anytime. i miss you, sweetie. love, your momma. Katherine katie Fernihough

The Last Time I Heard From You

Hi Katie. Well...I'm already at work, but until I talk to you, I won't be able to have my head in the game. Today, May 20, 2009, it was one year ago that was the last time I ever heard from you. You texted me to let me know how many days you could take off work to come see me. You told me not to call because you were at work, but you could take 10 days. And the best part of the message, was, you go..."Hi, its KATIE. (all caps) my KATIE. ~smiling~ That was you, Kate...all caps. One of the gazillion things we love about you. I still have that text on my phone. I've saved it to the sim card, but I don't want to change phones because, somehow, it feels like...I don't know....like your life energy came through that phone and its the last touch i have of you. this morning on the way to work, i came up on a car accident. one car was smoking and no one had stopped yet, so i pulled up to see if they needed help. there was a young girl sitting smushed in a car and a big red truck that didn't even look hurt. her airbags had gone off. i walked up to the car and peeked inside, cuz i was scared of what i might see. she looked at me. she was just a very young girl. i went over to her side of the car and pulled her door open. it was all smashed in. she was bleeding on her face but she was awake. i asked her if she could move and she was just shivering. i was able to get her out of the car and took her over to the curb. i called 911 and squatted down beside her. i just hugged her. so weird. she was 21. she asked me to call her mom and when she gave me her phone, her mom's number was momma. :-) just like you and kelsey call me. i waited with her until the ambulance came and when i left, i kissed the top of her head. i could just sob right now, but i'm at work. no one seems to really know what to say to me. i don't blame them, but i'm so sad. it seems like no one cares, but i KNOW that that isn't true. it's just that they don't know what to say. it's uncomfortable and i want to talk about it. i want them to hear me. i miss you SO much. i want you to come back. everyday isn't like this. i think it has something to do with it being almost a year. god. i love you, kate. wish you were here. love, momma.

Your Nephew

Hi Katie! Here's the picture I promised you. This is your nephew, Kayden. Isn't he CUTE!!! He looks so much like Zoey did at his age. He's about 5 1/2 months old here. He's almost 7 months old now, but I haven't seen him. I'm going to be up there on the 28th, so I'll take more pictures then. I just downloaded 288 pics, so I have lots to show you. A whole bunch of our sweet Zoey. She misses you so much. Whenever she talks about you she says, "My Aunt Katie." It would just break your heart. She loves you so much. When I go up to visit her, I'm going to show her how to write to you here. She can draw you pictures and put them on the computer for you. I think it will help her to have a place to come to to talk to you.

It's Sunday night already, so it's back to work tomorrow. I've never understood why the week lasts so long and the weekend is SO short! Oh well. Right now, I'm just really glad to have a job. I work at a company called Mojo Interactive. It's where I worked that first time you came down to visit me. Remember? You went to lunch with Sean and me??? I went back to work there about 5 months ago. I like it. We went to a party at my boss's house last night. Celebration for reaching our sales goal. Consequently, I laid around most of the day today. So anyway...I just wanted to show you Kayden. He got his first haircut today! lol. Kelsey said he was a good boy. She's doing so good, Kate. She has her own place and is going to counseling. She's such a good mom. She gets up every morning with Kayden. Zoey is there every weekend and Wednesday night. She's trying really hard to get her back. She misses you so much too. I'll put some pictures up of her in the next few days so you can see her. She's so beautiful, just like you. I miss you, baby. I love you. Sweet dreams. Momma

Angels

Here is a pic of Katie and Zoey asleep in the back seat of my car. We had just left Disney. My angels, Katie, Kelsey and Zoey. (and my little devil, Kayden)

Out for a walk

Hi Katie. It's Saturday...YAY!!!!! It's beautiful here this morning. I'm going out for a walk/run. The day that your Dad called me to tell me about your accident I was out for a run. I was up to about 3 miles a day. I was feeling good. I always use that time to wake up and think about stuff. I had resolved to really take control of my work and be "all I could be...blah blah blah". When I got home, there was a voicemail from your Dad. It was 7:30. I was like...uh oh...this can't be good. He never calls me. I called him back and he told me. It felt like an electric shock went through my whole body. I curled up on the floor and called to Kam. He was still in bed. The only thing I could think of is that I had to get home and I couldn't stand the thought of being cooped up in an airplane for three hours. It was intolerable. Since then, I've been having a really hard time getting back to running. When I go, I'm afraid that when I come back there will be a message on my phone. I know it's irrational. Lightning doesn't strike twice, but still...it makes me not want to go. Once I tried taking my phone with me, but that was creepy too. I think in some wierd way, I associate running with that day. Now that I realize it, I'm determined to overcome it. So I've been going everyday. UGH. I'm SO sore. Sometimes, when I'm out there, a butterfly or dragon fly will follow me...or really more like lead me. It will flutter along in front of me. I always think of you. I like to think that that's you encouraging me to push a little harder. I wish you were here. I wish this had never happened. I don't want this blog to be a whiney sort of thing, so I'm not always going to talk to you about how sad I am. But I want you to know that I miss you and I will NOT forget you or go a day without thinking about you. When grandma betty died, I was a little sad, but not for long and I never think about her anymore. I don't miss her. I gotta tell you, it scares me that that could happen with you. I talk to Judy about it. She says no way. That will never happen and I don't need to be afraid of it. I worry that I'm just sort of a cold heartless bitch and only concerned with myself. In the weeks following your death, I promised myself that I would be the mom to you that you would be proud of. I would handle this with grace and dignity and always be there for you. So anyway...that's it. I'm going for my run...UGH..haha... Maybe a butterfly will come see me this morning (hint, hint) :-) I'm going to mention your name everytime I post. I want this to be optimized on the search engines so that when people search your name, they will find Katie's Place. Katherine Katie Fernihough. love, momma

The Tree

Hi Katie. I haven't been here in forever! I couldn't find it! But now I've written the url down and I can put more stuff on here. So much has happened over this year. You have a new nephew. Kayden. He's named after you! He looks just like Zoey!!! If I ever take the time to figure out how to download the pics from my camera, I'll load some of him on here. I wanted to tell you about the tree. The Tree. Your tree. Everyone has signed it. This winter I went to an art festival and bought this really pretty (and very cool) metal sculpture of butterflies. Kelsey, Kam and I took it out to the tree and Kam bolted it way up high so it would be there all winter. On your birthday we took a red feather boa and draped it around the tree. We let 23 balloons go into the sky for you. We stood in a circle and sang happy birthday to you. Later that night, Kelsey and I brought you a bottle of wine and poured it around the tree. Anyway (good lord...so much to catch up on!!!) the man that owns the property that the tree is on...he took all of your stuff. None of it is there. Your dad went to his house to find out what happened to it and he said that he threw it away!!!!!!!! I can't even believe anyone would do something like that. So we don't have your stuff anymore. I'm so sad. I want people to know that something happened there. I want them to think about it just a little when they drive by. The state of Wisconsin doesn't allow road side memorials. (of course...I checked as soon as I found out) The only thing they MIGHT allow is for us to adopt that part of the road and dedicate it to you. We would then be responsible for cleaning a two mile stretch of the road there 3 times a year. The sign would have your name on it, but we wouldn't be allowed to put flowers or anything there. So here's the deal. I'm going to go visit this man when I go up there for the anniversary of your accident. I'm going to ask him if he will let us put flowers there. He evidently was pissed about the beer bottles being left there. If he says no, I'm going to do it anyway, but he'll probably throw them away as soon as he sees them. But that was the motivation for me coming back here. I will have evidence of you in this world, sweetie. We will remember you. Everyday. Even if it's not on here...we're thinking of you and we miss you. I love you, katiedid. Dad even asked for the url for this page...but I didn't know it. ~shaking head~ you know how I am. I'll figure out my camera this weekend and come back and load some pictures. Bye bye for now. AWWWWWWW....squeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzze. xoxox, Mom