Katie Katie Katiedid

Hey baby girl.  Guess what song's playing?  Everything's Not Lost, Coldplay.  We had that played at your funeral.  Where are you?  Why aren't you here?  Not to be melancholy, but I miss you like crazy.  I always think to call you and then realize I can't.  I dial your number sometimes.  I called one of them once and some guy answered.  I was like, I've got the wrong number.  and he goes, "are you sure?"  I was like...yeah...I'm sure.  anyway...just when i said i was gonna write because i didn't wanna keep any secrets, something happened that i was afraid to write.  you won't believe it.  Kelsey's pregnant.  and she's going to keep it.  zoey and kayden are in foster care.  i just don't understand.  i mean...i do.  she doesn't want to have an abortion, but i just don't know how she can manage.  aaron called me last night and said she's been drinking.  she doesn't tell me now i guess.  i have to tell ol' what's her name, april.  cuz if i don't, they think i'm a bad grandma and keep secrets from them.  i'm so over them though, i just want zoey and kayden to be ok.  kelsey has to take care of her own demons.  ya know, kate...i am so tired.  i am so tired of not knowing what to do.  do you know that's why i ran away so much?  i just didn't know what to do.  that was so wrong.  i'm not going to do it again.  but DAMN!  i'm sick of it.  so...on to the good stuff.  we had a nice, peaceful christmas.  kam is home for 2 weeks and i have to work, but that's ok.  i like my job.  i started exercising again and let me tell ya...i'm old!  lol  it hurts!  the other thing i didn't tell you is.......ok......wait for it.......i finally had my boobs done...AND liposuction.  i know...kind of extreme....but i wanted it!  and it actually looks pretty good.  i still need to lose the weight that i gained after you died.  it just won't seem to come off.  could be all the butter and sweets i eat!  ya think????  anyway...i gotta get to work, but when that song started playing, i just had to come see ya.  i love you baby.  i miss you and would love for you to "visit" me.  love, momma

Katie Katie Katie

Hi Kate.  Ohhhhh I miss you.  I love you.  I've always loved you so much.  I wish you could come back for just one day!  I'm at work but wanted to visit you.  I have so much to say to you.  I'll be back soon.  Love you, Momma

Hey Sweetie!

Hi Katie Sweetie.
I have like....zero time to chat here today (maybe i can do more tonight), but i wanted to stop by.  My day is so much better today than yesterday.  I really think it's cuz I stopped by here and talked.  It just makes me feel better.  I miss you so much.  Here's a pic of Kayden.  Is he delicious or WHAT???

HA! I'm Back!!!!!!!!!!!!

Katie! Oh my! I miss you! I haven't been here in so long. I was afraid to post because so much has been going on with the courts and stuff. I was afraid that someone that shouldn't see might be reading. But now I don't care. I've realized that addiction is a disease of secrets and so I don't want to keep secrets anymore! Not even for Kelsey. Not even if it means she loses the kids. :-( And the kids are now in a foster home, Katie. I'm so sad!!!! It's almost Christmas and they won't be with Kelsey and your dad. But I guess the state is going to let them see her afterall. Kelsey said that they may let them be with her and aaron for 3 hours that day. OH I HOPE SO!!! Zoey is so amazing! She has such a pure soul. If anyone has the "right" to feel sorry for themselves in all of this drama, it's our little Zoe-Head...but she doesn't. She knows she has to keep going...and she does. There is so much to tell you. We had court. Richard Bennett is in prison. It was so dramatic, Kate. When we got to court that morning, the Victim Witness lady and the ADA said that the pre-sentencing investigation people were recommending NO JAIL TIME!!! Evidently, he was doing all these good deeds. He was going to the defensive driving school and giving talks about the evils of drunk driving. He went through TWO treatment programs and brought TWENTY character referrence letters. The lady from the driving school even wrote a letter telling the court how effective his talk was and how she wanted him to be able to come back to do more! I was flipping out. It was like on TV or something. The Victim Advocate lady (her name is Shelly) was telling me I had to get ahold of myself. That it wasn't over. That we would get to address the court, but I didn't believe it would make any difference. Kelsey freaked out too. They almost couldn't get her to come into the court room. I guess we sort of feel like the system never works for us. It always seems like they take the other person's side. So your dad went up and talked. And then I went up and talked. We talked about the kind of person you were. We talked about how we will never stop missing you. We talked about Kelsey and Zoey and how much they miss you. We told them about Kayden and what a loss it is that he will never even get to meet his amazing Aunt Katie. I talked about how you and I would never have a chance to resolve our "issues" and how I would never get to hug you and smell your hair again. We also told the court (and I told Richard Bennett directly) that we knew he didn't mean for you to die that day. And that we don't hate him. We don't want him to die. We want him to pay his debt. We want him to never do anything like that again. It was so...intense, Kate. It was so awful to have to get up there...but yet...it was good. I brought pictures of you and Kelsey together. And of you and Zoey together. The judge was really kind. He seemed to really feel our pain and made notes while we spoke. THEN Richard's family got to talk. They had a really good statement. It was talking about how YOUR memory would be better served if Richard was allowed to go free and do his "good work" about drunk driving and all of that. I wanted to stand up scream, I was so scared that the judge would agree. Then RICHARD got to talk. OMG. You know how much I love to watch those court shows on tv. It was like that...and then some. It was so dramatic. I can't even imagine having to do that everyday. Even as an attorney or a judge. Also, they don't have anyone that's not associated with the case in the court room. But anyway, then Richards attorney spoke and he was REALLY good! If I was ever in trouble in Wisconsin (which I hope I never am!!!) I would want this guy representing me. But the judge ended up interrupting him and cutting him off. He told them that yes...it was true, that Richard had done a lot in making sure he wouldn't reoffend and also rehabilitating himself. But he goes, "There's also punishment." He talked about you. That you too had a problem with alcohol and drugs, but you chose NOT to drive that night. He talked about how your chance to make good had been taken from you and that it was not ok. That he had to pay for that as well. Katie, I could have run up to the bench and hugged him. He was very stern with him. His family was sobbing and I'm sorry for their pain. But as the judge pointed out, they will still have their son when all is said and done. And he has brought all of this pain to them as well. And he sentenced him to a year and a half in prison. He will have 6 1/2 years supervised probation and he will have to do 100 hours per year of community service every year that he is out until the 6 1/2 years is over. He has to pay for your funeral. "every penny!" as the judge said. And if he is ever in violation of his probation, he will serve every minute of the 25 year maximum sentence. That's what the judge said. He banged his gavel and walked out. They took Richard to jail right then. They let his family say goodbye to him, but then they took him to jail. I can't begin to tell you how healing it was. I have so much more to tell you, but I'm at work right now and haven't done anything yet. I love you and I miss you so much. I am so glad to be back here. I will be here a lot now. The courts be damned. We've been through it the past couple of years, girl. All due to alcohol and drugs. I hate them. I really do. I hope you're in the arms of the angels my sweet girl. Talk to you soon. Love, Momma

Happy Birthday Katie!

You are missed and love. Aunt kelli

Where have i been????

I'm sorry i've been gone so long. i want to tell you all about it but i'm at work. i'll write more later. love momma

Court

Oh yeah. we went to court today, katie. i saw him. for the first time. richard bennett. his mom and dad and i guess his brother. and his attorney. oh my god. the whole thing only lasted about 20 minutes, but it was SO draining. his attorney was such a puke. i couldn't sleep last n nn bbbbhnnnnnn bvbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbvbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbnbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb nBH YGHBb gvb(that's kayden's blo g b )b hjk y night thinking aboutn it nnjkkkkkkklol...omg...i have to do this later. kayden is up and i'm watching him. katie...he would crack you up! he's SO serious. he hardly laughs. he's always studying stuff. very intent and intense. wonder where he gets it from. (aaron?????) anyway./...i gotta go. he's fussing. love you. momma. ps. he pleaded guilty. i'll tell you about it later. xoxoxox

Monday..........ick

Hi Katiedid. this picture is from off of our patio. nice, huh? one night kelsey and were sitting out there and there was a baby possum sticking his head out of the leaves. even when they're babies, they're creepy looking. kelsey took this picture last summer during a storm. i was supposed to go have blood work this morning. well...i thought i was supposed to, but when i went to look up the location, it said you have to schedule an appointment. so now i'm going wednesday. its the kind where you have to fast before it, so i wasn't going to get my morning coffee. i hate that. anyway...now it's scheduled for wednesday morning so i'm having my coffee and going for a run. yesterday was the first day ever that i didn't hear from kelsey one time. :-( i hope everything is ok. i cleaned the house all day yesterday. YAY! i hate doing it, but i love the outcome. kam says i only clean when we're having company. um...i was like...when do you EVER clean??? MEN. ~smirk~ anyway...i'm off for my run. it's a beautiful morning. i really don't want to be creepy and write this TO you...but...i DO want to share life here with all of us earthlings with you. i want to share pictures, etc. linda sent me an article about this family that grieves by keeping treasure boxes for their son/brother that died. i like that. i don't get signs from you...which really pisses me off by the way. but i think of you everyday. i want to share the beautiful, fun, funny, awesome things that happen on any given day. like the view off of our patio. and the sunrise. and fireworks. and things that crack me up everyday. life is so funny. people are even funnier. it's so short the time here...isn't it? i always think i'll have tomorrow. and yet i never thought i'd live to be 50. go figure. i'll be 50 in about 3 weeks. kelsey is supposed to come. i was going to bring aaron down too, but that was contingent on him "behaving" himself. (geeesh...i'm such a mom) as of right now...i'd say his status is iffy. so we'll see. aunt kelli is coming too. it makes me smile just writing it. pretty cool that they're all coming to be with me when i hit the big 5-0. and all this time...my whole life...i always focused on people that DIDN'T care about me. instead of all of the people that do. ~sighs~ i'm blessed and i wish you were here to be blessed too. so anyway...NOW i'm gonna go for a run. but i gotta smoke a cig first. (haha) love you sweetie. i miss you. you're missed missed missed! love momma.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday

Katie, baby! How's it goin? Went for a run this morning. YAY me!!! not much anxiety at all. in fact, i kind of enjoyed it. i feel all full of love and stuff today. love it when i feel this way! i like the colour of this font too. i'm trying to decide what to do today. i should clean the rest of the house. i wish i knew what kam wanted to do. but it's pointless to ask him cuz he doesn't know. so we sit around for hours waiting for him to decide. i had the strangest dreams last night. i dreamt that kayden was just a tiny baby and he jumped in the swimming pool. i jumped in after him, but he was fine...he knew how to swim because he was older than he looked. then...when i got out of the water, the new jeans i had on had some sort of security thing in them that they made tattoos all over my legs even down to the bottom of my foot. then...kayden was walking by and he had his clothes on and he looked 10 years old and iranian! WTGF??? where do i come up with this crap??? geeez. i'm really angry at katie. this morning, out on my run, i saw lots of butterflies and dragonflies and i just ignored them...looked the other way. i feel like its a tease. if she wants to talk to me...then come to me in my dreams or something. good lord. i'm sick of this shit. i want to see her. i want to FEEL her. i'm so disconnected from her. ok...enough of that. i want to go buy a white tank top and sew tiny little beads all over it. hmmmmmmmm...sounds fun. maybe i will. but i better clean the house first. who the fuck am i talking to here? i guess myself. it used to be katie, but frankly i'd rather move away from doing that. it's hot and muggy and beautiful today. whatever i decide to do...it'll be yummy. here's the song i'm thinking about today....Fountain of Sorrow...Fountain of Life...
You've know that hollow sound
Of your own steps in flight.
You've had to struggle
You've had to fight.
To keep (blah blahblah)
and compassion in site.
You've had to hide sometimes...
But now you're alright.
And it's good to see your smiling face........tonight. :-)
love you, baby.........even if i'm pissed. miss you soooooo much. love, momma

Morning

Morning, Katie. Just back from my run/walk. i'm trying to overcome the anxiety i feel whenever i leave the house to exercise. i actually have a big mosquito bite on my muffin top! UGH! it has protruded enough now for small bugs to land on. yesterday i decided screw fat grams and carbs and acai and anti-oxidants and green tea and fat burning diets. i'm eating whatever (within reason) that equals 1300 calories a day and exercizing. my body is betraying me. everything that used to work isn't. a month from tomorrow i turn 50. i'm thinking that has something to do with this. and menopause. and not exercising for a year. and maybe my hep. yikes. that would suck if that starts to give me problems. there's a treatment for it, but supposedly its similar to cancer treatments and one of the main side effects is DEPRESSION! um....i dunno. i think i better just bit the bullet and go have my blood work done tomorrow. i never speculate to the positive. it's always the worst possible outcome. ~shaking head~ last night at judy's while i was waiting i was reading redbook. it had this little blurb about how to spread joy. even reading about it made me feel delish. so i think today, i might search for a few ways to spread some love. i have GOT to send linda her presents for her birthday. i'm only a month late. good lord. well...time for a shower (or to wash the stink off of me as Kam would say). i love you and miss you. oh...one other thing...two people in the past couple of weeks have said i should write a book. i would have NO idea where to start. and besides...who cares? lol. but ya know...it might be therapeutic. and i'm actually thinking about it. maybe just start to write my story and see where it goes. i miss you..stinkweed. love you. momma.

OMG....The First Grief Support Group Meeting

Hi Katie. i thought this picture was funny. i went to my first grief support group last night. aye yi yi. it was very disjointed and not many people (according to them, it's usually a much larger group). the "topic" was "blessings that your child gave you." UGH! and guess what? just as i had feared, their children were saints. they had contributed so much, blah blah blah. i listened for as long as i could and then i asked if i could talk. i was like....look...my kid wasn't head of the student council, doing philanthropy, cheerleading, or any of that crap. she was doing drugs and drinking and was killed basically through some poor decisions made while under the influence. and here's what they said...."OHHHH...we're not judging you!!!" huh???? how could they be judging me when they didn't even know???? SHIT! i went there hoping someone could understand...and granted it was the first meeting and i'm gonna give it several more tries. but here's my issue. we had so many things unresolved. i'm not sure i feel judged. at all....even by me. but what i feel is like when katie died, she took with her any hope of us ever being able to have a relationship. i had always hoped for the day that she would be really here. not drunk and angry and in trouble and making bad choices that were hurtful to her. does anyone really get how much that hurts???????????? to see one of the people (and actually...it was both of them...katie AND kelsey) that you love the most in this whole world and feel that its your job to protect them...making choices that could potentially destroy them? i mean...as a mom....i was their protector. their guide. their MOM. ~sighs~ i go see judy tonight. and i need to ask her about all of this. i'm grieving katie...but i'm also grieving her future. it was taken. i guess....without even knowing it....i was living for the day that i could have my babies back. no one may have known...but i was working so hard for that. it was the focus of my counseling sessions. i was such a doofus as a mom when they were growing up. i was so....unsure. didn't know what the hell i was doing. i was so scared. and finally...i found a counselor that was actually giving me some instructions....telling me how to be a mom....and i was doing it. and no matter what they were doing, i was still being a mom. in the past i would get scared and frustrated and run away. judy was (and is) helping me to do that....but now...i'll never have that chance with katie. oh for god's sake. if anyone reads this...please please please don't feel sorry for me. this is my sounding board and i am not so miserable. i'm miserable about katie and some of the mistakes that i've made in my life. but i have my beautiful daughter kelsey. and her children who are the most delicious little babies in the whole world (besides my babies of course! ha!) and i have the most wonderful loving support from my sisters and friends. and a really groovy job that i love. (even in this shit recession). and i have a boyfriend that i've been with for a long time that we've grown into this, i don't know, understanding of each other. does he love this stuff? nope. is he very much support? nope. he doesn't know how. but...he loves me and he's hanging in there. i'm pretty healthy except this goddamned weight thing. my life pretty much ROCKS. and then there's this katie thing. and it hurts. and it confuses me. and i'm lost in this area of my life. but...all in all...things are good. and i have so much love in my heart...it's crazy. so...(and kell...this is mostly for you if you're reading)...i know you hurt for me and for yourself about this. but please don't worry and feel sad for me. it's all good. it's part of my life now. and i'm muddling through it and sounding off here. that's all. and you know what else? it changes...sometimes...i feel like i'm being swallowed by it. but then there are other times...that i'm ok. and just like when it first happened...i'm re-committing. i will be a good mom to katie still. i will try and walk through this with some dignity and handle it in a way that my sweet babies will be proud of. for katie. ya know? anyway...this is starting to sound sappy...so i'm goin' to work. i love you katie and kelsey and kris and kelli and linda, tammy, bre, judy, jenny, diane, zoey, kaydo-kayden, and all of the other people that have cared through all of this. there've been many. love you kate. momma

thinking a lot about katie today. i dreamt about her last night. i always dream of her when she was little. so strange. i'm depressed and feeling a little invaded. feeling like maybe this blog could be used for bad and not for good. that was never my intent, but i guess it can be a little like that say...the road to hell was paved with good intentions. ~smirk~ i miss katie AND i miss me. SO upset about this weight gain. geeeez. i've hated going running. hated it. i used to love it, but now, when i get a little ways away from the house, i start feeling anxious, like i have to hurry up and get back there. like...i might come home and find the terrible awful message that my daughter died. i feel angry. i suppose my shrinky dink would say that this is the "anger phase" of grief. i'm sick of being labeled. i'm sick of it being not incredible. not extraordinary. it IS extraordinary and not in a good way. i don't know this place. i don't know grief when your kid dies. i feel like i'm punishing myself. i live in this small space between sadness and acceptance. pergatory. it's not ok to feel sad because then i'm being weak and not going on with my life. everyone's sick of it. (that's what my head tells me) and then...acceptance....moving on....that's wrong too. it means i didn't love her enough. oh i know...i know from my shrinkage...that that's not true...these are all "normal" feelings. "normal" thoughts. they do NOT feel "normal" to me. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. anyway...i have to get to work. need to make a living here. and some other time, when i'm not so pissed...i'll take the time to notice what a great life (all in all) that i truly have. ~sighs~. let's all just love each other and be good to each other. you just never fucking know. i love you katie. momma.

Independence Day

Hi Katie. i haven't been here for a while. Kris was here, we went to disney for the weekend, then she left and i've been bluuuue. Kelsey has been having her share of ups and downs. she got her driver's license and a job and her and aaron i guess i'm a little pissed. i go to my grief support group for the first time this tuesday. unlike when i thought about going in the past, i'm actually looking forward to it. i'm really angry i think. it comes out as numbness. i am just not the same person. and on top of it, i can't feel you. i don't feel connected. i really DO try not to complain too much, but geeeez...i miss the old me. do you know what? i've gained 30 pounds! i never work out. is this your fault? is this kelsey's fault? no. its on me. but everything that's happened has made it really difficult to go forward. i really want to talk to others that have gone through having one of their babies die. not when they were a baby though. oh no. when they were 22 years old. and their kid resented them and left before any of it could be fixed. i believe you are still around. and i would really appreciate it if you could send some strength to kelsey and aaron. help them feel the right thing and then DO it. ok...enough of this. i felt like i should come here because i don't want to stop blogging. i know i'll work through this and i won't feel this way forever. i won't. happy 4th baby. i love you. momma

Kelsey Got Her Driver's License!!!!!

Kelsey got her first driver's license...ever today! how freaking cool is that?????????? i knew you would be so proud! she has worked so hard. i can't even imagine driving for 6 years without a valid license. how paranoia provoking would that be????

My Big Sister is Here!!!

WOO HOO! just wanted to say hi. kris got here last night. i'm so so so so grateful for my sisters! also...check out this picture...

Look at you! oh my god...what a beautiful girl. i love you. i miss you. shit. aunt kristi comes today and frankly...i'm so glad. this really isn't getting much better. so anyway...we went and saw blue man group last night. it was amazing. it was so...i dunno sweet and innocent (and funny and pretty). i'm so excited to go to disney with kris next weekend. we're getting a hotel and staying out there so we can go two days. woo hoo! i'd love to go

to universal too. i can't help remembering when you kelsey, zoey and i went. omg...i was so ready to shoot you and kelsey. you both had gone out drinking and had been fighting. we postponed it a day so that you'd feel better. you two fought off and on all day. and sotero had shaved zoey's head. argh! people kept looking at her like they thought she had cancer. ~shaking head~ i'm looking at this pic of you. my sweet, innocent baby. ohhh katie....what will i ever do without you???? so beautiful it makes my heart hurt. well...better get back to work. love you sweetness. momma

Happy Father's Day

Katie! I don't have much time to post today because it's father's day and kam's girls are here. i'm making breakfast. my "famous" french toast, bacon, canadian bacon and scrambled eggs. i texted your dad this morning to wish him a happy father's day. everyone was pretty concerned about me on mother's day, but it really wasn't so terrible. we never really hung out together on mom's day anyway. i'm not sure what you guys usually did, but i'm thinking of him today. he's probably golfing. it is SO freaking hot here today. ugh. heat index 110. kam and the girls are going swimming, but i'm too fat to wear a swimming suit so i'm staying home. we're going to watch home movies and then tonight take the girls to see blue man group. making plans to come to wisconsin for richard bennett's hearing. i'm going to bring zoey back with me. she will stay with us for about 3 weeks. kelsey, aaron and kaydo-kayden will come the last week to celebrate my 50th birthday! kelli is coming for that too. i guess we will be having a little celebration. hmmmm...50 years old. that's half a century. i'm starting to look my age. it freaks me out. i've always been so all about how i look. guess i'll have to focus on just being a better person. these are the twilight years. ok...well...i'm going to fix breakfast. i love you. miss you. wish you were "here". love, momma.

My Beautiful Girls

Hi my darling Katie-doodle. I'm sorry I haven't been here this week. I've had one of those very busy social weeks. Go figure. I'm so glad I have this place to come talk. I'm very tired. I am not so sad as I have been, so the stuff I want to say doesn't make sense. It SOUNDS like i'm SO sad. I just miss you. I want to put my arms around you and just lay my head against you. There's a song by Pink that I just love and it's one of those that remind me so much of you. I don't think it came out before you were gone. It's called "who knew". It says, "If someone said 3 years from now, you'd be long gone. I'd stand up and punch them out, cuz they're all wrong. I know better, because you said forever, and ever...who knew?" It goes on and on and it's actually about a break up with a lover, but it reminds me of you. Remember how scared I was? How I used to be so afraid something would happen to you because of the stuff you were doing? And you would tell me that everything was ok. That everything was going to be fine. That you were straightening up your act. And I SO wanted to believe you. I just hate that I'll never hold you again. Never be able to snuggle my baby, Katie. Another verse of the song says, "I'll keep you locked in my head until we meet again. Until we, until we meet again, And I won't forget you my friend. What happened?" Oh Kaaatie....we miss you. And I so wish you were here. I love you baby. Momma.

Sunday Morning

Hi Katie. its been a few days, i guess. i think i don't come here as often when i'm feeling better. but i don't want it to be that way. i want to come here when i'm doing well too. well.....we have lots going on! i have to tell you about kelsey. OMG! guess what. she got a job. (i'll tell you the things that have happened in order) there's a place call the rock on the river. its a restaurant and the people that own it are the same people that own culver's. evidently they are "the new owners". so anyway...she went in and filled out an application earlier in the week and put their names at the top of it. (pretty smart!) they called her in for an interview the next day and hired her on the spot. she has to wear black pants and a hawaiian top! (~smirk~) the next day, she got on the computer to look up her eligibility status for her driver's license. and it said....you guessed it....ELIGIBLE. !!!! so she went to the DMV and took her written exam and now she has a learner's permit. she can take her test in a couple of weeks. THEN...oh wait....this is out of order. before she did that...she went and got INSURANCE for her car. she bought an old car from ken a few weeks ago for $500. not the most beautiful car in the world, but she says it runs great. so after she got the insurance she went to the DMV and took the test, passed and then got the permit. she went to work for her first day yesterday and she likes it. i'm SO proud of her. this has been a long old road to hoe. she has had so many disappointments, but hasn't given up. i don't know why it is, but when you live your life in a way that's not right, the results are immediate. when you do the right things, it seems to take forever to see any benefit. so anyway, i know you would be so proud too. i wanted to share it with you. and also with anyone that may read this blog. so many people, katie, have been loving us through this. some of them pray for us, some of them are quietly hoping for us, some have been right on the front lines. feeling our pain and hanging in there with us. and those people have no idea how much it has helped. i don't think we would have come this far without them. so our victories are their victories. i have felt so much better since i told you i was angry with you. never think that i don't love you with all of my heart and soul because i do. but it pisses me off that you can't be here. and that these things can't be happening for you too. life is so strange. i'm pretty sure that i'm new to this freaking human experience. i think i may have been an animal of some sort in a former life. maybe not even from this planet. i will be driving along and all of a sudden i think how weird it is. that we made these machines that make us go so much faster than we really should. and how we have grocery stores. rather than getting our food the way any other species does, we go to these big boxes and get more than we could ever need and come home with them. its just so odd to me. anyway...enough of my weird philosophy. lol. i can just see you looking at me with a puzzled look on your face. i love you my baby girl. i wish you were here. you know....you COULD come flutter by while i'm out for a run. it would be so nice to see you. love, momma

Mourning...oops...i mean MORNING

Katiedoodle! good morning. i woke up at 4:45 this morning. that keeps happening and when i do i'm wide awake. that is SO not me. i've been going back to sleep and then when its time to really wake up...i'm like...ugh....deep asleep. so this morning i tried just getting up. i am truly not a morning person! went to see judy last night. what an interesting meeting. i like her so much. we talked about you a lot. not so much about you, but about how losing you is affecting me. not to sound creepy or anything, but its so interesting. since you died, i have had such a hard time making myself run in the mornings like i used to. i used to love that. it was a time for me to pull myself together for my day. i would think of all kinds of things. i would think of how running benefitted me. i would listen to birds and watch animals that were out with the sun. i would go over conversations i'd WISHED i'd had with people that pissed me off the day before. i'd think about my day at work and how i was going to tackle my day. i'd think about the person i wanted to be and make commitments to myself that i would redouble my efforts to do it. i had some amazing realizations on those morning runs! then.....................came "The Day". that morning was a really good run. very productive. i came home excited to get to work. ready to go. i went in to start to get ready and looked at my phone, and there was a message from your dad. the rest is history. but the thing is...i have not been a good runner since then. i'm scared. i'm afraid to leave my phone that long. i'm afraid of what will be waiting for me when i return. it's so frustrating. i KNOW it's illogical. i even get that its because of that day. and i've tried to overcome it by saying to myself...ok...this is just because of what happened. its not real and you can go for a run and everything will be cool when you get home. once i even tried taking the phone with me. that was worse. i was terrified. i felt like...omg....what if i get "the call" when i'm a couple of miles from the house on foot???? i couldn't bear it. so...for the first time in a long time at counseling, i talked about me. i talked about how i'm feeling and it's official: i have post traumatic stress disorder. you know how i love an official diagnosis! i'm going to go to a grief support group. it's called the Compassionate Friends (hate the name!) they're a national group and are dedicated to people who have lost a child. for the past year i've been saying that i need to go, that ok...i will go...like i'd be doing someone a favor...and finally now i'm saying i WANT to go. i feel like it would be a privilege to listen to other's experiences. how they felt and how they have coped and begun to have a life again. i thought i was above all of it. i thought that i could skirt around it. that somehow, i could have lost you, and gone from that day to my life without going through it. it just seems that there are never really any shortcuts. and that's ok. its life. and i'm still living. i don't think you knew how much you could hurt us. i have to say at the risk of sounding like a bitch...i'm pissed at you. please know that i love you. it's not that...but god, katie...how selfish. i never even got to know you as a young woman. you were drinking and drugging and hating me. i made mistakes....i'm sorry. you and kelsey are the only things in my life that make me want to turn back the clock so i could do things over differently. i so wish i had known judy when you were little. i wish she could have told me not to be so scared. but i didn't. and i can't undo it. i never got to know you. and i hate that. i read a blog last night that was really good. she's been blogging since 2005. she said that it is affecting her in a negative way. that all she does is bitch and moan (that's a very general summary...she was way more eloquent). i can totally relate. that's why i stopped journaling. it was like a place to just complain. to whine and look at every little freaking thing in my life and bitch about it. that isn't who i am anymore. and here's the thing...you didn't know me either. and that's sad too. we were actually very much alike. and i take that as a huge compliment. i admire who you were, kate. you had a passion in you that was so real. i wish we could have made it to the day where it could be channeled in a positive way. that would have so rocked. anyway....i love you and i have to get ready for work. its one of those days where i'm looking forward to it. i love love love my job. it's way groovy. HA. it was really good to talk with you this morning and i'd love it if you sent a butterfly my way today for a visit. talk with you soon. love, momma. awwwwwwww....squeeeeeze!

Same Shit, Different Day

Hi Sweet Katie. I just wanted to stop by and say hello to my baby girl. Please sit on Kelsey's shoulder today (and in her heart). She's goin' through it with aaaaaron. grrrrr. anyways...gotta be more productive at work
today. isn't that a kind of cool pic? miss you sweetie. talk soon. love momma.

katie

hi sweetie. i just wanted to put this pic of you, kelsey and me on here. look at you! omg...i miss you. i saw the most beautiful butterfly outside today. she was black and yellow striped. love you girl. your momma.

OMG i miss you

Katie. i miss you. this can't keep going on this way. i'm so disconnected. i need to get some help. i'm going to go the f&$@ing support group thing. i saw a lady on the way to work this morning with a thing in her window that said in loving memory of clay furbin. he was born in january of 1988 and died february of 2008. just a little bit before you. i almost followed her to ask her how she was coping. people care...but they don't. you know? they have moved on. i can't. i am so alone with it. i'll let you know how it goes. i love you. momma

Katie Katie Katie................

Hi Katie. ugh...i miss you so much today! i'm at work, but decided to take a minute to talk with you. so this is my lunch. :-) i don't have a lot of pics on my puter here at work, so i just found one on the internet. i thought you might like it. i must have dreamt about you last night. i don't remember it, but i've had that feeling all day. like...i expect a call from you. i tried calling your cell phone numbers yesterday. some guy answered and i said i must have the wrong number. he goes, "are you sure??? who are you looking for?" i said i was trying to find katie. that was very weird. the number you had when you had the accident is not a "working number". i wonder if we will get those things back after the sentencing hearing. i would like to. your purse was in the car. i wonder what was in it. i would like something you had with you. i kept some particals of glass from the accident scene. i looked all over for something of yours. oh geeez...i always feel like i sound so mormid talking to you. i guess i use this to vent to you, katie. i want want want want WANT you to come back. i hate this feeling. it always feels like i should be able to call you. and then....i have the realization...that you are gone and you're never coming back. i don't believe in heaven. not like...someday i'll die and i'll get to see you again. and some day we'll all be together, the same "people" that we are now. i believe that you've gone on. that everyone does. that our souls are recycled. maybe even scattered. maybe a piece of your beautiful soul went to kayden. maybe another to mandy's baby that is on the way. maybe to people we don't know. maybe to another universe. of course, i don't know. but i know my earthly self will never hold your earthly self again. i always picture your hands. i love your hands. and i can still smell your hair and feel your skin. and it just kills me that you will never write another poem. experience anything else here again. at least not as katie fernihough. omg...news flash! kelsey is going to get...........................are you ready???? she's going to get her.........DRIVER'S LICENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol. omg! since your accident, kelsey has been working towards getting her life together. you would not believe how far she has come. her life is so different. she's been going to counseling and staying clean. so she paid her fines with her income tax return and went to her final appointment with the people that decide whether you can have your license back or not. they signed the papers and she has like...just a little left to pay and after that, she can take her driver's test. she's so excited! lol. cool, huh? well anyway, sweetie, my lunch is over so i should get back to work. i love you. i miss you. and i think about you every single day. love you, baby. talk soon. momma

Back in Florida

Hi Katie. Well...I'm back home in florida. UGH. That's the worst part of going to visit. leaving. i always have this big sad spot when i leave. i really like living in florida. i just wish i wasn't so far from kelsey and the fam. i think i was whining about that yesterday. so anyway! work is good. i really love my job. kam and i are good...pretty much....most of the time.... aunt kristi is coming to visit on the 22nd. we're going to disney. remember when we went??? that was a very good day! and remember when we went to sea world? i have that picture of you and kelsey and me and zoey going down that big roller coaster into the water. ~smiling~ soooo fun! so aunt kristi and i are going to disney all by ourselves. i can't wait. i've been wanting to go back and haven't done it yet. then...richard bennett is SUPPOSEDLY having his plea and sentencing hearing on the 24th of July. we'll see about that. they've postponed it a gazillion times. supposedly...he is going to plead guilty to vehicular homicide with a vehicle while driving under the influence. we'll see about that too. his attorney has promised the prosecuting attorney that he will not fight it. we are not willing to plea bargain. i'm not sure we get the final say...but as it stands right now there is no offer on the table. i'm going to go for the hearing. i am bringing kelsey, zoey, kayden and maybe aaron back with me. we'll see about THAT too. it is very conditional. if he doesn't behave himself, he is not coming. kelsey may not want to either, then. and that will be up to her. i just am not going to reward him if he is being an asshole. you know? this morning, i prayed. i asked god if he would let you please be our angel. to give us a nudge in the right directions. cuz, sometimes, kate...i feel clueless. not in an outrageous sad sort of way...but...just like wondering if i'm doing the right thing. so that's about it for now. i love you, girlie. i miss you always. flutter by me sometime. i always love that. momma

Hi Katie...this is zoey

hi aunt katie you are cool and i miss yoooooooooooooou.

Sunday

Hi Katie. It's sunday. i go home tomorrow. i'm very sad already and trying really hard not to be. you know? i love being in florida. i just hate being so far away from kelsey and the kids. i'm feeling very sad about you today too. i feel like i haven't had much time to just sit. the time i get to spend here is so short. this is picture was taken today down at the lagoon. zoey actually took it. it's right up by that place where the bands play and people dance. barb and kiki dedicated it to you. its beautiful here today. we went out there and then to the store. a day in beloit without walmart is like a day without sunshine i guess. ugh!!!! i am NOT a fan of walmart. haha. its so weird, sometimes i think of calling you. like...let's call katie and have her come over. i guess that's the denial, eh? i want to show zoey how to do this so she can come and talk to you, but her attention span is sort of like a gnat's and i'm not sure she'll get it yet. ha...if you were here, i know you'd want me to show her so i will. she has to go back to satero's tonight. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... i'm going to tell him no, but ultimately its his say. ok...well...i guess i'll go for now. maybe zoey and i will come back later. wait...she's here. maybe i'll show her now. i love you, katie.

Saturday in Wisconsin

Hi Baby Girl. how are you today? we are ok. we are having a family day. :-) we have made it through the anniversary...together. who would have ever thought, katie, that we would have our family to lean on and get comfort from? you have brought us all together, katie. it is so ironic. you have been our wake up call. in my whole life...all FIFTY years...i have taken for granted the love of friends and family. it was never enough. i needed more. when you left us...kelsey and talked. we both vowed to act in a way that made you proud. that paid tribute to you and would show you how we felt about you. i think that we are doing that. we do not take each other for granted anymore. we pay attention to what's important and know how precious we all are to each other. the thing is...we all regret that it took this tragedy to wake us all up. we wish we could have shared this WITH you. and for that...sweet baby, we're sorry. i'm sorry. you are so important to us. look how you have impacted this world. i have a picture to show you. all of these people gathered to remember you on "the day". we all miss you and wish you were here. i gave as many people as i could the address to your place. hopefully they will come here and get some comfort. i know i do. today we're going to go down to the river and see your brick. barb and kiki got a brick with your name on it. i'm going to take some flowers there. a lot of people took flowers and butterflies by the tree on thursday and that man took them all away. i've kind of given up on the tree. :-( he's a mean, hateful man and i don't know. i'm just over him, i guess. we are going shopping today to get zoey some new jeans and maybe a little something for kayden. i'll write more later. i love you, sweets. momma. xoxoxoox

One Year

Hi Katie Girl. Well...i'm home. we are all here. it was one year ago today. michael, mandy, drew, noah, isaah, dad, kelsey, aaron, zoey, kayden, me. we have been a whole year without you and our lives will never be the same. kelsey and i are taking flowers to your tree today. we are spending time together tonight. getting strength and comfort from each other. the ironic thing is we were all never this close before. you have brought us together. i know you would have liked that. my sisters are sending their love. they miss you too. tonight...there is a tribute to you at jersey's. kelsey and i are going. your friends from applesbee's are coming. they will be drinking a toast to you. i will take some pictures and put them on here for you. know, where ever you are...you are so loved. i hope you can feel all of the love that is being sent to you. when you left us...you left a katie shaped hole in our universe. i will probably write more to you later, but i wanted to say hello. i miss you. i love you. momma

One Day Left Til I Go Home!

Hi Sweetie. It's tuesday. back to work this morning. then...tomorrow...i go home. i get to see kelsey, zoey and kayden. i can't wait. kelsey called last night and said michael, mandy and the kids are coming too. they are coming to be with your dad on the anniversary of your death. that's a good thing for him. i was sort of hoping for it to be just us. i don't want to have to be social. i just want to be what i am. i have other issues too, but i'm not ready to write about them just yet. i'm so excited to go home. i can't wait. i miss kelsey and the kids when i don't get to see them. i've gone home every month since you died. last month was the first month i haven't gone. it's beautiful here today. i have to get ready for work. ugh. i've had three days off. i swear i could totally be good at being a stay at home person. i'm not one of those people that has to work to feel worthwhile. haha. anyway...i gotta run. just wanted to say hi. this pic is of zoey...close up and personal. isn't she beautiful??? kayden got his first tooth yesterday. i'll take a picture of it for you when i'm up there. i love you katie. talk soon. mom (katherine katie fernihough)

Memorial Day

Hi Katie. Here is a picture of your sign. when you died, applebee's put on their sign, "We love you Crazy Katie. We will never forget u." they have a plaque in the restaurant with your name and picture on it. you are so loved, katie. I miss you so much today. I dreamt about you last night. It was the strangest dream. You were gone, but we were having like...some sort of family reunion. Grandpa Homer was there. and there were pictures of you on this collage thing. and i took all of them down and put them in my pocket. and i was crying. i was so sad. i wanted to tell you a little bit about your funeral. i'm not sure, i'll have to ask kelsey, but there were i think, about 600 people altogether that came that day. we closed your casket. we let kelsey make that call. i got to see you though. girl, i swear, i wanted to get in there and lie down next to you and just put my arms around you. but it wasn't really you. the only think that really felt like you was your beautiful soft hair. i love you. i miss you. kelsey and i went and picked out an outfit for you. we bought everything new. we bought you a black t-shirt and a hoodie with some cartoon print that you like. we bought you sexy boy short panties, socks and jeans. we bought a wrist band for you to wear. you looked good. the music was awesome. we had "in the arms of the angels" by sarah mclaughlin, "wild horses" by the cranberries and "everything's not lost" by coldplay. we told the minister not to be all churchy. she talked about your spirit and your love of art and life and people and she said that was god if you believe in god. it was an awesome tribute my love. today i feel all weepy. i have been thinking of your last days. and how we didn't know. we didn't know we were so close to the end of our time with you. i thought i would have more time. if i would have known, i would have come. my heart is pounding. i have a lump in my throat. in the picture below, see the necklaces kelsey and i have on? they are pendants with some of your ashes in them. kelsey has the symbol for infinity and mine is the symbol for strength. we will get one for zoey when she graduates from high school. in the meantime, kelsey and i both have small urns with your ashes. zoey picks them up and carries them around with her. i have mine set up in my room with your lamp, one of the pictures that you drew (and its framed), the angel of rememberance and a picture of you and kelsey when you were babies in a little heart shaped frame. i call it my katie shrine. i look at it every morning and night. sometimes i pick up your ashes and shake them. :-) my heart aches for you today. i'm going home the day after tomorrow. i will put flowers at the tree and stay there for awhile. i feel closer to you there. i will sit in the spot where you last laid and feel you. we all miss you so much. i would give anything to hear your voice again. to smell your hair. to look at your hands. i always loved your hands. bet you didn't know that, did you? you were very much like me, kate. and you also had my demons. well...its time to try and get on with my day. kelsey and aaron and the kids are going to a cook out at your dad's house. that will be good for all of them. let us feel you, Kate. we still need you in our lives. you were so much more than you ever knew. love, mom.

Saturday!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Katie girl. Here's a pic of Kelsey and Zoey for you. It's Saturday morning. i just woke up. it's memorial day weekend. yay! three days off work. it's been raining here for a full week. it doesn't usually do that unless we have a hurricane. we needed the rain, but enough already! i don't have to go back to work until tuesday. then i work that one day and the next day i fly to wisconsin to see kelsey, zoey and kayden. i am going for the anniversary of your death. we (kelsey, dad and me) are going to spend the evening together. i want to look at pictures of you and remember you. not that we don't remember you every day, but i mean actually schedule the time to do so. you know? i mean...every day you are in our thoughts. you're actually my first cohesive thought of the day...every day. but i don't get the pictures out and stuff. the last time i was in wisconsin, your dad let me go into your room and pick out some stuff of yours to keep. he's keeping your room just as it was. black walls with red flames. lol. he's fixing the holes in the wall though. ~smirk~ i took your red beaded lamp, your marilyn monroe poster, a picture that you drew, the poem you wrote, "airport bars", and your shell necklace that you bought when you were in california visiting tom. i wear the necklace sometimes. i want to go back and look through the rest of the stuff, but we had kayden with us and it was cold and stuff so we didn't stay very long. your dad is living there again and fixing the place up. frankly, you and kelsey trashed the place. you two were a couple of wild ones. (i have NO idea where you got it) hehe we miss you, Kate. kelsey and i were talking about you the other night. she is doing so good, katie. its like she has a real family with aaron, kayden and zoey. her apartment is really cute. she's not partying. she gets up early every day and takes care of kayden. and when i call her, aaron is doing homework with zoey and she's cooking dinner and kayden is playing in his office. my heart just fills up. i hear laughing and talking in the background. and she sounds happy. and here's the bummer. why couldn't we have that with you here?????? you would have loved it. my sisters are involved with her and the kids. it's like....a family. none of us have ever really had that. i was talking to judy the other night...and i never thought i'd hear these words come from my mouth, but it's like...my strength comes from the relationships i have with my family. you are still a part of it. i just wish we could have gotten you an apartment too. and seen you spread your pretty butterfly wings and fly. stay with us kate. we do not ever want you to think that you are not a part of it. ugh. i don't know...sometimes...i just ache to have you here. i'm going to go out for a walk this morning and i hope i see a butterfly or a dragonfly. you can come to me anytime. anytime. i miss you, sweetie. love, your momma. Katherine katie Fernihough

The Last Time I Heard From You

Hi Katie. Well...I'm already at work, but until I talk to you, I won't be able to have my head in the game. Today, May 20, 2009, it was one year ago that was the last time I ever heard from you. You texted me to let me know how many days you could take off work to come see me. You told me not to call because you were at work, but you could take 10 days. And the best part of the message, was, you go..."Hi, its KATIE. (all caps) my KATIE. ~smiling~ That was you, Kate...all caps. One of the gazillion things we love about you. I still have that text on my phone. I've saved it to the sim card, but I don't want to change phones because, somehow, it feels like...I don't know....like your life energy came through that phone and its the last touch i have of you. this morning on the way to work, i came up on a car accident. one car was smoking and no one had stopped yet, so i pulled up to see if they needed help. there was a young girl sitting smushed in a car and a big red truck that didn't even look hurt. her airbags had gone off. i walked up to the car and peeked inside, cuz i was scared of what i might see. she looked at me. she was just a very young girl. i went over to her side of the car and pulled her door open. it was all smashed in. she was bleeding on her face but she was awake. i asked her if she could move and she was just shivering. i was able to get her out of the car and took her over to the curb. i called 911 and squatted down beside her. i just hugged her. so weird. she was 21. she asked me to call her mom and when she gave me her phone, her mom's number was momma. :-) just like you and kelsey call me. i waited with her until the ambulance came and when i left, i kissed the top of her head. i could just sob right now, but i'm at work. no one seems to really know what to say to me. i don't blame them, but i'm so sad. it seems like no one cares, but i KNOW that that isn't true. it's just that they don't know what to say. it's uncomfortable and i want to talk about it. i want them to hear me. i miss you SO much. i want you to come back. everyday isn't like this. i think it has something to do with it being almost a year. god. i love you, kate. wish you were here. love, momma.

Your Nephew

Hi Katie! Here's the picture I promised you. This is your nephew, Kayden. Isn't he CUTE!!! He looks so much like Zoey did at his age. He's about 5 1/2 months old here. He's almost 7 months old now, but I haven't seen him. I'm going to be up there on the 28th, so I'll take more pictures then. I just downloaded 288 pics, so I have lots to show you. A whole bunch of our sweet Zoey. She misses you so much. Whenever she talks about you she says, "My Aunt Katie." It would just break your heart. She loves you so much. When I go up to visit her, I'm going to show her how to write to you here. She can draw you pictures and put them on the computer for you. I think it will help her to have a place to come to to talk to you.

It's Sunday night already, so it's back to work tomorrow. I've never understood why the week lasts so long and the weekend is SO short! Oh well. Right now, I'm just really glad to have a job. I work at a company called Mojo Interactive. It's where I worked that first time you came down to visit me. Remember? You went to lunch with Sean and me??? I went back to work there about 5 months ago. I like it. We went to a party at my boss's house last night. Celebration for reaching our sales goal. Consequently, I laid around most of the day today. So anyway...I just wanted to show you Kayden. He got his first haircut today! lol. Kelsey said he was a good boy. She's doing so good, Kate. She has her own place and is going to counseling. She's such a good mom. She gets up every morning with Kayden. Zoey is there every weekend and Wednesday night. She's trying really hard to get her back. She misses you so much too. I'll put some pictures up of her in the next few days so you can see her. She's so beautiful, just like you. I miss you, baby. I love you. Sweet dreams. Momma

Angels

Here is a pic of Katie and Zoey asleep in the back seat of my car. We had just left Disney. My angels, Katie, Kelsey and Zoey. (and my little devil, Kayden)

Out for a walk

Hi Katie. It's Saturday...YAY!!!!! It's beautiful here this morning. I'm going out for a walk/run. The day that your Dad called me to tell me about your accident I was out for a run. I was up to about 3 miles a day. I was feeling good. I always use that time to wake up and think about stuff. I had resolved to really take control of my work and be "all I could be...blah blah blah". When I got home, there was a voicemail from your Dad. It was 7:30. I was like...uh oh...this can't be good. He never calls me. I called him back and he told me. It felt like an electric shock went through my whole body. I curled up on the floor and called to Kam. He was still in bed. The only thing I could think of is that I had to get home and I couldn't stand the thought of being cooped up in an airplane for three hours. It was intolerable. Since then, I've been having a really hard time getting back to running. When I go, I'm afraid that when I come back there will be a message on my phone. I know it's irrational. Lightning doesn't strike twice, but still...it makes me not want to go. Once I tried taking my phone with me, but that was creepy too. I think in some wierd way, I associate running with that day. Now that I realize it, I'm determined to overcome it. So I've been going everyday. UGH. I'm SO sore. Sometimes, when I'm out there, a butterfly or dragon fly will follow me...or really more like lead me. It will flutter along in front of me. I always think of you. I like to think that that's you encouraging me to push a little harder. I wish you were here. I wish this had never happened. I don't want this blog to be a whiney sort of thing, so I'm not always going to talk to you about how sad I am. But I want you to know that I miss you and I will NOT forget you or go a day without thinking about you. When grandma betty died, I was a little sad, but not for long and I never think about her anymore. I don't miss her. I gotta tell you, it scares me that that could happen with you. I talk to Judy about it. She says no way. That will never happen and I don't need to be afraid of it. I worry that I'm just sort of a cold heartless bitch and only concerned with myself. In the weeks following your death, I promised myself that I would be the mom to you that you would be proud of. I would handle this with grace and dignity and always be there for you. So anyway...that's it. I'm going for my run...UGH..haha... Maybe a butterfly will come see me this morning (hint, hint) :-) I'm going to mention your name everytime I post. I want this to be optimized on the search engines so that when people search your name, they will find Katie's Place. Katherine Katie Fernihough. love, momma

The Tree

Hi Katie. I haven't been here in forever! I couldn't find it! But now I've written the url down and I can put more stuff on here. So much has happened over this year. You have a new nephew. Kayden. He's named after you! He looks just like Zoey!!! If I ever take the time to figure out how to download the pics from my camera, I'll load some of him on here. I wanted to tell you about the tree. The Tree. Your tree. Everyone has signed it. This winter I went to an art festival and bought this really pretty (and very cool) metal sculpture of butterflies. Kelsey, Kam and I took it out to the tree and Kam bolted it way up high so it would be there all winter. On your birthday we took a red feather boa and draped it around the tree. We let 23 balloons go into the sky for you. We stood in a circle and sang happy birthday to you. Later that night, Kelsey and I brought you a bottle of wine and poured it around the tree. Anyway (good lord...so much to catch up on!!!) the man that owns the property that the tree is on...he took all of your stuff. None of it is there. Your dad went to his house to find out what happened to it and he said that he threw it away!!!!!!!! I can't even believe anyone would do something like that. So we don't have your stuff anymore. I'm so sad. I want people to know that something happened there. I want them to think about it just a little when they drive by. The state of Wisconsin doesn't allow road side memorials. (of course...I checked as soon as I found out) The only thing they MIGHT allow is for us to adopt that part of the road and dedicate it to you. We would then be responsible for cleaning a two mile stretch of the road there 3 times a year. The sign would have your name on it, but we wouldn't be allowed to put flowers or anything there. So here's the deal. I'm going to go visit this man when I go up there for the anniversary of your accident. I'm going to ask him if he will let us put flowers there. He evidently was pissed about the beer bottles being left there. If he says no, I'm going to do it anyway, but he'll probably throw them away as soon as he sees them. But that was the motivation for me coming back here. I will have evidence of you in this world, sweetie. We will remember you. Everyday. Even if it's not on here...we're thinking of you and we miss you. I love you, katiedid. Dad even asked for the url for this page...but I didn't know it. ~shaking head~ you know how I am. I'll figure out my camera this weekend and come back and load some pictures. Bye bye for now. AWWWWWWW....squeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzze. xoxox, Mom